2009+Preview

Rockem Sockem 9 Preview:

Behold! The Ocho is upon us! Like a big stupid Nick Cage in a [|bear suit] punching a bitch: media type="youtube" key="KOpsbAUEe90" height="344" width="425" The season growls down on us and I for one am not going fetal, I am revving up and making my stand, BASEBALL BABY, IT IS FUCKING BACK! REJOICE!

Now onto this thing we love so much, Fantasy Land. Rockem Sockem is a world unto itself and the oligarchs and slimy dictators of cubicles, classrooms, offices, investment floors can not control us or even hope to sniff the vapors of left over, defiled virgins they themselves offered up to sacrifice so their own puny worthless existence could be spared…wait where am I going with this…BASEBALL!!!!

Rockem Sockem brings much joy (mucho joy this year). Each year the league grows tighter and more unforgiving, no one drafted poorly, I could see any team win, and that is not a catch all statement so you will all love your commish and send him gifts (money) to ease his pain. I seriously would not be surprised by any team winning this thing…the drafts were air tight, injuries, hot streaks and unseen career years will be the reason someone hoists the chalice of Sockem in some undetermined location post season.

We are all: That. Damn. Good.

That being said I have done previews/reviews/underoo’s every year so why stop now? What follows are the questions you answered, my thoughts on your squads, a few bad jokes, a few fork’s dropped, and my predictions as to how I see it. But again see above, this may be the first year it wouldn’t surprise me if anyone won…even Wilson. For the record I did all of your previews before opening day and without reading your responses, so if there is overlap, you know what they say…great minds and what not….

So sit on the can, relax let it flow and **GET ON WITH IT ALL READY!**

Your Rockem Sockem 8, 2009 Preview:

Dogzilla! Manager: Fatone 1 - getting better, actually had a plan going in.

2 - i'm stoked about gettin wood again, never forgive myself for drafting coco crisp

3 - that the first year stats just don't count!

4 - have to be honest - i only really examined my team and i love it

5 - too old, no way

6 - i'm not sellin shit!

7 - there will be a first time champ this year. good luck all.

Commish’s take: Well the greasy guineas were at the top of the steaming draft heap this year and Fatone drew the lucky straw, having first crack at all the strapping young men out there in our scattered stats and ruffled sheets of paper. He tried his patented swerve by juking out the Mets fans with a pump fake D-Wright pick and settled in for Han-Ram to plug up his butt, safe, wise and well worn, I don’t see this ending poorly… [] He was hoping that a Rod of some sort would fall back into his lap but that Ram-Rod dream evaporated so he SNAAAAAKED it up with two Fat asses…The Natural Disaters?!? http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zua2_natural-disasterswwf-tag-team-champ_sport (skip to 1:19 unless you like hearing Old/Dead people ramble) Overall Fatone seems very balanced but in order to keep Bourne running and in the lineup he is going to need that high average from Mauer so here’s hoping his back is better then mine. I also obviously love Mag’s but does he have to be such a hater of the good ol’ USofA? []

Quality bats are up and down the lineup, but the staff has some question marks, great pick up with Motte as the last pick overall, we all may be pissed about that one come seasons end, but will he even have the job? Is Cueto legit, can Wood stay healthy? Will Lester’s big Casino rear its ugly head? Not likely, and hell I liked Fatone’s team a lot last year, and I usually come to the party a year early anyhow, so fuckit…

Prediction: Top 1/3 … Yes! Fuck it! I can see the Fat One fighting to fatten himself on free food in ‘09 a scary thought….

Pissed Off Stallions Manager: J Vig 1. How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? The best gamble to win I ever put together. Gambling sucks though. 2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? This question is always the same guy for me, But A rod...weirdly 3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)? The snaaaaahaaake is pretty funny. Steakhole was funny. He wanted to have some “relations” with rockem sockem. Desperation last round yankee or carl pavano picks are shameful and I own those. But seriously, does “that’s my roommate!” not fit the perfect definition of “bit”? 4. Whose team are you most impressed with? It’s all fucking fucked. Mike will get all the cg stats. Past that, if A rod comes back and isn’t a juiced up fag…I like my team 5. Are we getting too old? Fuck you. Love you but, never ask the obvious when it’s not important. 6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network: The greatest excuse to be a kid since Robert redford pulled off The Natural. 7. Anything to say to your competitors? I am sorry for the hopeful devastation you will all suffer?

Commish’s Take: Well here is the big spicy meatball just sitting out there for all of us to salivate over. Pujols and Arod. Jesus how did this kid get both of those guys!?!? Monsters when working wel, both top 5 picks, but the big question mark is obviously the Rodder. When will he be back, will he fold like origami, will he say fuck you Jobu I do it myself and run wildchildstyle all over the league? I am straight up confused and glad I don’t have that dilemma…then again if guns are a’blazing could this team just be too much firepower for all of us to handle. Let’s look past the top 2 and check shall we? Hmm….Ok Never mind I ceased being scared of this team. The infield is stacked with McCann and I think Lopez will do well but some rickety 3b’s hold the fort down till A-rod returns and the outfield relies on yanks and young speed. Torri (Double I Pansy) is always underrated, but I don’t see any other bat carrying this squad if A-rod is out for a prolonged period. It all rests on his purple lips. No pics of purple lips here, instead let’s look at this pic… [] god that is hysterical and has nothing to do with this preview…

In the pen and on the mound Vig went a bit risky, drafting Sheets early even though he’s not signed anywhere, Hamels whose tricky elbow wasn’t known til post draft and is vitally needed on this team. Felix and Harang, one who consistently under produces and one who over produced greatly til last year. Back end of the pen has closers on crappy teams, but Soria proved you can be effective that way last year. Either which way but loose, it is hard to judge this team and not get stuck by the first two guys…and I think Vig goes as far as ARod will take him…

Commish Prediction; Bottom 3rd, we all know A-rod has never won the league. Stay Pissed Off and FIGHT HARD!

Zeddemore’s Poles Manager: Winston I honestly have no idea how this team will turn out.
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Having said that - I’d rate my team the Adam’s Morgan of drinking towns – really young, brimming with potential talent, enthusiastic, and possibly willing to settle for a mongrel.

Watch out for the toilet mice.

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked about Sandoval. I think he could be a top 5 catcher. I could have done better with pitching in the late rounds. Should have left Headley on the board and grabbed Jimenez. Love those late round pitchers.

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?

The best part about Tom being pregnant is …… -- à forkdrop.

4. Whose team are you most impressed with?

BK’s team seems to leave the biggest impression, but this league is getting tighter and tighter every year (insert joke) and it’s too hard to tell. It’s very hard to differentiate at this point.
 * 1) Are we getting too old?

I’m the youngest in the league, so what does that do for you?

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:

This shit sells itself.

7. Anything to say to your competitors?

Dinner at Nobu.

Commish’s Take: Will not going into the OCHO DRAFT-O 11 Jager Bombs deep bring a better or worse result? We are about to find out, and I pity all pre-draft night’s if Jeff sucks it up this year…He was happy as a fat Queens girl in White Castle when D-Wright fell into his Brad Evan’s looking lap. His Harache (is that how you spell it?) horror’s aside Winstonian immediately put his draft plan into action, young Dumb and Full of Something. Pedroia was next and 2b is a bit thin, but Pedroia will have to play like a fire in a whore house on a house boat, to repeat his AL MVP numbers and be deserving of this lofty draft spot. Can he do it again…very possible, I just don’t think probable. Other young guns he will need to perform well are Drew, Longoria, Milledge and Upton. I think some will deliver on their promise, but odds say about half won’t and that is before injuries. Wright has got a whole lot of loving to dole out and hopefully it is too Erin Andrews: []

Too bad for Dave.

What is weird about this Winston team is that I find my self digging on the staff more then the bats. SHOCKING! Simply Shocking. Like Mongrel Titty Shocking. Liriano will be a top 5-10 pitcher when the year is done, bank on it (and invest in rubber bands to keep his arm together) Shields is solid through and through. Winston’s man crush on Yovani is shining bright and with reason. Some cheap quality closers round out the fuckfest. I think these arms will keep Jeff afloat for a while and if Wright puts together that MVP year that at least half the league is waiting for and a few young’ns turn into bigg’uns he will be fighting for the free eats, cause we all know he will manage til the end.

Commish Prediction: Middle Third. I see a valiant idea fall short, if this team came together next year maybe….

A-Roid in My Pants Manager: Bull On a 70’s porn-stache scale: A Garret Anderson
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Kevin Gregg (closer for one of the best teams with the last pick). Papelbon or Lidge…if I knew Gregg and Morrow would win the jobs I wouldn’t have went for 2 top 5 closers.
 * 1) One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?

Oh Jesus….Fogg/Fick/Milton/Spooneybarger/Hinske/Phil Nevin/ Contracting McNally/I say Hillshire/….

Seriously I would have to say the “Tainted’ Championships of Shawn and Brian. Year 1 doesn’t count and the endless “I would have won if we didn’t have Fucking Field %!!”

4. Whose team are you most impressed with?

Birdies….as of the time I’m completing this…his pitching staff has given up 4000% more runs than all of Major League Baseball. Uh…Brett Myers gave up 4 runs. Actually I thought my team was solid and then looked at all the teams and feel that no one really stands out. Vig could be crazy good w/Arod and Pujols…the question was impressed….those two guys on 1 team impresses me.
 * 1) Are we getting too old?

Is Reggie Willits White?

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:

7. Anything to say to your competitors?
 * 12 Men….11 show up to draft….10 minutes for one guy who doesn’t take pitchers to make each pick in every goddamn round….9…..wings consumed on average per minute for the first hour of drafting….8 years of Rockem Sockem….7 decent looking bitches at Slopes for an entire weekend….6 Dudes who’ve hoisted the cup….5 Dudes plus McNally still dreaming about it…..4 guys born and raised in Queens….3 Rainmakers…..2 Cages Veterans….1 Best Motherfucking Fantasy Baseball League in the Whole U.S of A! **

Three-time Rockem Sockem Champeen Bitches

Commish’s Take: Here comes the defending champion (Word’em up!) The only Two time Champion (Word’em Up!) Ok now that I reached my Imi Kamoze reference quota I feel much better about myself, but how will I feel about this haphazard squad of delinquents? Let’s go to the Video Tape! (RIP Warner Wolf…what? He’s not?) Well back to back Mets, now if we could only have had back to back NL East Titles this might actually mean something! Bull put all his speed eggs in the Reyes basket and it is a nice basket to put them in, but he may have shot his load on the speed side here unless Gomez gets some PT on the Roids. Two huge OF’s anchor the power here with Manny and Carlos Lee assuming health and you know…an actual desire to play doesn’t foul things up.

Desire…tis a fickle whore.

The power keeps flowing though with Quinton Sexy Alexi and Huff…Christ, Aubrey Huff actually DID hit 32 dongs last year? Unreal, I thought that was a type-o. Very power heavy, but will speed and average suffer? Wait and see me droogies.

The arms, which Bull always covets like a fat kid covets waffles and ice cream (Fiddy Cent I ain’t), are an intriguing mix and one that in the end I see as the down fall to this defending champs chances. Burnett as the ace just doesn’t sit well. Joba could be a machine, or he could be Phil Hughes. Morrow and Price could both be in the minors by the time this is posted so that leaves Lidge and Papelboner to anchor the rotation. Could be worse, he could have drafted Banana Man: [] Maybe his plan was to go Relief heavy, maybe the Rib Tip just crumbled that way, what ever the case it smells worse then Sunday post draft farts.

Commish’s Take: Middle 3rd last year I was utterly perplexed by Bulls team, this year I see him needing to make some moves to contend for the championship.

Honey Nut Ichiro’s Manager: Birdie 6/10
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Nothing Stoked Me Should not have picked Ryan Braun

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)? The fork drop

4. Whose team are you most impressed with? Fatone. Oh wait you said team.

5. Are we getting too old? Physically yes, mentally never

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network: 12 men enter for a season long battle 11 will lose Rockem Sockem 10 - Vegas 9 will pay for food and drink at season’s end The 8 th season of madness that is Rockem Sockem 7 months of trades, anxoity, joyfulness 6 intreging categories for both hitting and pitching 5 Parties throughout the season to celebrate the league (Draft Order Party, Draft, Mid-Season, Golf Outing, Year End Dinner) 4 th place sulking through the offseason because he was so close 3 will stand on the podium 2 Eat Free 1 crowned as Rockem Sockem Champion

7. Anything to say to your competitors?

Vaya con Dios

Commish’s Take: The first 4 rounds Birdie seemed to draft simply the best player out there and thus stacked himself with the best outfield in the league. He is deep so even if this Braun minor tweak flairs up he should be well and covered, and if Braun is healthy…woof, look out. By doing so you would think that he neglected other aspects of the team, but upon further inspection I am not so sure. Power seems to be across the board with Perralta Uggla and Napoli offering pop potential from normally weak spots. The HR’s should come from everywhere, but the one spot where Bird is noticeably lacking is speed. 20 SB’s from anyone would be nice Soriano needs to break 30+ if bird wants to place in the SB’s category, Average could be a bit shaky too but otherwise things look pretty good.

What surprising is the quality of the starters, all of them are un-sexy, basically the opposite of this nerd boner inducing video (the video is semi NSFW for some of you): []

but they are all I would say second level guys (behind a first level, Oswalt) who will deliver the goods. Quick without looking how many wins did Volquez have last year? No chance I would have guessed 17, if you did get your self a Lollipop, preferably a Dum-Dum that is what my dentist always gave out. I think this team has potential for the long haul, but Bird has some other up coming distractions like father hood that could take his away…the first of 2 impending fathers to be reviewed, just how will this effect the Ocho?! Will it be the slim edge the rest of us need? God I hope so.

Commish Take: Top 3rd Birdie will be changing diapers and fighting for free food.

The Spearmint Rhino’s Manager: Wilson

1) How am I gonna top myself? 5 on the 5.

2) Nelson Cruz will ride the Rhino all year; but we could have waited a round or two for Vasquez.

3) "If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it" (said with a New Zealand accent)

4) Mine

5) We aren't getting "too old," but we're definitely getting weirder. Each year this crew gets increasingly bizarre - and amen for that.

6) 12 dudes...60 Jaeger Bombs..."Who's gonna slap the sushi?"

7) The only thing getting contracted this year is your wallets - at the Champion's dinner at the //Grist Mill Diner// in Camden

Commish’s take: Let’s just toss out last year…I don’t mean Eben’s shatty season I mean 2008, did anything good happen? Nah, Oh wait a black guy got elected. Whoopie…OK, now let’s move on. WE live in the now and the now is now, when? Just now. Hmm stretched that spaceballs reference a bit thin…meah. THE NOW! Exactly what Eben was drafting for, if THE NOW was 1999. Jeter Chipper Helton OH MY! 20 bucks says before this gets posted Wilson picks up Pudge…Any takers? You can’t mess up the first pick no matter how hard you try, and flat out MigCab is a monster. My pet monster to be exact…. [] All ready mentioned the old guys so can’t be surprised when 1 or 3 are out with an extended injury, but then again Eben had the surprise pick of the draft.

Nelson Fucking Cruz.

I can’t believe the Red Tomato snuck in and took N.F.C. with the 126th pick, even Mr. T, the Golden Sombrero Incarnate, was shocked! With Granderson and Crawford the potential is there for a blistering outfield, then again if all of them put it together this year… the plague of locusts are sure to follow.

It seems like everyone else Eben was focused a bit more staff heavy then in years past, I know he was happy with Javy Vas, and why not 200+ k’s and the NL should help his era, and Webb is a horse. It now became obvious to me why he picked Ted Lilly: [] (peep the full name) and if Wang Dang Doodle doesn’t trip over any bats he should be good to go for 18 wins. All in all, a real good crop of starters. He threw enough crap at the wall that some of the Relief arms should stick and produce a competitive number of saves as well. Now that Eben is out of Casa Blanca maybe he will devote more time to this…nah.

Commish Prediction: Bottom 3rd. I know Eben is dying to win this and throw it in everyone’s face, but I don’t see this team doing it.

C-Town Highpockets Manager: BK The Shepherd’s Pie of a menu. I like it. It has a little bit of everything. But it won’t excite most folks, and you probably won’t talk about it the next day. Stoked: Cameron Maybin. He’s got impact jib for Round 18.
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?
 * 1) One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Changed: Peavy. Though I still got love for the Jake, if I would have taken one of the big bats I wanted in Rd. 3, a few things would have panned out more favorably in the subsequent rounds.

4. Whose team are you most impressed with? Zeddemore will be in the dinner, again.
 * 1) What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?
 * EEE’s-a-Boat. The original, sublime moment and Bull’s imitation make me smile. **

5. Are we getting too old? Life is finite. In fact, we need to find MORE time to be doing things like this.

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:


 * This is REAL FANTASY! **


 * // Everyone needs some Rock in their Sock. //**

7. Anything to say to your competitors? Happy Baseball.

Commish’s Take: This is a sneaky good team. I looked at them and thought, wow I really like this team, then I realized why; I owned half of them last year…GET OUT OF MY MIND BK!!!! There seems to be enough consistency here that the need for breakout seasons from the likes of Chris Davis, Weiters and Maybin aren’t vital, and the possible regressions of Delgado and Abreu, will be off set by perceived bounce backs by Rollins and Matsui. Either way, I am impressed with this lineup, I think that Hamilton can still get better, and the speedy MI’s will help propel BK up the ranks…now let’s gander at the arms…

I want to make a puke joke here but I can’t…then again how can you draft Wainwright?!?! YOU FUCKING TRAITOR! Who is going to start catching for you Yadier Molina?!? Next thing you will hire Steve Phillips of the 600+ moves to your blasphemous team…by the way it is sad this blog has ended: [] but bringing in Steve Phillips to go along with those yokels is almost worse. Want to start Fire Steve Phillips anyone? ZAMBRANO!!!!!!!!!! (The Bad One)

Back to the arms, The only downside with the starters seems to be wins, and who the fuck knows how many wins peeps can get, it is a crap shoot in a really big toilet bowl. God I hate shit jokes. The Relief arms could be a bit troublesome if Lyon keeps getting shelled, but solid middle relief may off set that as long as he pulls in the S at the end of the day. Hmm this team has me intrigued….Will the old daddy show the daddies-to-be the way?

Commish Prediction: Top 3rd Go back and read the first sentence, that’s all you really needed to know, the rest was me just wasting your precious time…SUCKERS!

The Pine Taaaaars Manager: Gallagher
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

// On the Dropped Fork scale, I would give it about 6.5 dropped forks //


 * 1) One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

// I was pretty happy that Sizemore was still available for my first pick. I clearly took Cliff Lee too early, but I was still reeling from the Lincecum/Halladay one tow punch. //

// I think Gavin Floyd in the next to last round was pretty good. // 3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?

- // “Rockem’ Sockem’ – Three Beers a Peach” Wasn’t that supposed to be on our brick? What happened to that brick anyway? // - // “You’re Clooney? My ass!” //

- // “….eet’s a boat.” // 4. Whose team are you most impressed with?

//I think Vig and Fatty both have a chance to make some noise this year.//

5. Are we getting too old?

//I’ve been an old curmudgeon since I was about 14 since I disqualify myself from this question. Now get off my Fantasy lawn you little smelly bastards!!//

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:

//Cable? Is that because the networks won’t go for Bull’s over-use of the words “nipple”, “poop”, ”twat”, “taint”, “anus”, “doo-doo”, boobies”, and “titties”?// // “Rockem’ Sockem’ – Our reality is better than your fantasy. Poop” //

7. Anything to say to your competitors?

//If I don’t win this year it’s either because this stinkin’ league is fixed (or because I took Cliff Lee is the third round). Good luck.// Commish’s take: For all this baby talk, I just want Tom to pick up this guy, as I feel he would give him the proper material, ripping and team names that he deserves: []

Anyway back to Fake Baseball, Gallaglicous has brought together some old favorites “You Can’t Win With/Without Randy Winn” and some new man love, I can see a budding sexual liason with Grady, wait didn’t he have a fling with him once before in Rockem?! The OF in general is well rounded with Beltran and Fred Lewis. The Middle infield on the ASStros could be decent now that they are off the Juice and the bloody anus, but the bats here just strike me as good, not great and there seems to be a bit O’Pop lacking from the squad outside the big dumb Dunn’er. I also think Tom should be forced to draft Brian Schenider every year; it may be a rule change next year so stay tuned. The Taaaaar’s may not hit enough but this collection of arms should keep him pitching into contention for the Eets a Boat. If Lee is half his former self he will have a stacked rotation. Then again Lee could find himself in the minors by the all-star break, I don’t think anyone knows what to expect from him this year. The Taaar’s have the sox an injuns locked down but needs Marmol to close to make a dent in the saves category, but we all think that will probably happen sooner then later.

And this needs to be said…Fucking Gary Sheffield?!?!? What the Fuck!?!?!?!?!? Sorry to get real baseball chocolate in with your fantasy peanut butter, but god I hate the man. Prediction- Middle third, I see Tom as having a middle of the road squad, I think they will be good everywhere and not really great anywhere…

NOLA Crawdaddies Manager: Donohue If draft’s were explorers mine would have been Magellan, had a plan, started to execute said plan, but feel I am going to be killed in a war before I see it through to the end.
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Really surprised that BJ was sitting there in the third round and Ankiel in the 19th I think is solid if he can pull in the Pujols sloppy’s.

I hate drafting any catcher that early, but I hate drafting relievers at all and I got a feeling Lindstrom will come back to bite me the most… RHP Matt Lindstrom opened the season Monday by putting a tiny toy toilet in his locker -- to help him forget bad nights he may have this season as Florida's new closer. "If I have a bad outing, I'll just flush the toilet," he said, explaining a button on the toilet that, when pressed, plays a recording of a flushing noise. Lindstrom borrowed the idea from a teammate in his minor league days with the Mets, Carlos Muniz.

…is Gagne still available?

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)? I think **3 Beers a Peach** should be engraved on the cup. “That’s My Roomate!” is almost more then a “bit” it’s a pilot for a sitcom. Liking the dropping fork bit a lot, sad to see Eat a Dick, Keg Stands fade away.

4. Whose team are you most impressed with? Wait till I preview the finish in order…I will say I like 2 better then most but all are solid and any could win. Did I really put this question in there? Lame…sorry about this, these previews get tougher to put together each year….Oh and the correct answer is Fuck No.
 * 1) Are we getting too old?

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network? Better question. You could go obvious. A Fantasy Baseball league…with a drinking problem “3 Beers a Peach” but I would tout our combined intellect, fandom, friendship, and willingness to do just about anything for this league. “True heart shines true, and earn trophies that float on Sushi Boats.”

7. Anything to say to your competitors Yeah, about 20 pages worth…read the fucking preview you savage.

An now a Special Guest Previewer’s take, the Mighty Mighty BK: **Preview time for the NOLA CrawDaddies, 2009.** Let me preface this with a hearty thanks to the Patriarch of Rock’em Sock’em. My thanks to him – not only for the grunt work of setting up meeting dates, writing previews, plugging in the draft results, creating the Wiki, and even taking and delivering a punch or two at events – but more importantly, SPD’s infectious passion for life and fantasy baseball has given us an extra avenue to remain connected during the years that it is simply too easy to drift. Shawn is a man I will literally talk to about anything: from Neifi Perez to Nosferatu to Nietzsche; from Chico Lind’s vertical to Cherry Valence’s lips, in conversations that form during any and all of the 24 hours that this human structure of life affords us. So, SPD, think of black velvets in Tupperware cups as Dawn peeks over a concrete park in Forest Hills, before I give an objective panning of your team.

Love the uber-productive Utley-Berkman swing to start the draft!! Later, he added other multi-faceted stat-line fillers with Pence and Werth. SPD also has one of the few squads without a worry at Catcher with the reigning ROY in Soto. He’s got 6 guys with potential for 15+ SBs and 11 guys that hit 20+ HRs last season in limited plate appearances. But, the Daddies will need some of these fellahs to reach 550+ ABs this year, which leads to the long series of question marks in NOLA circa 2009:

· When Upside Upton’s hammy is solid the swipes will be plentiful, but when will that be, and was the Post-Season power surge fo’real? · Will Blalock stay on the field long enough to hold the spot for gimpy-Glaus to return at 3B? · Can Pronk find his swing and a better nickname? · Will Milton Bradley get a CLUE and learn “THE GAME OF LIFE” long enough to Monopolize his position in Wrigley and CONNECT FOUR big numbers? //(BOGGLES the mind, but not a TABOO RISK for where he was drafted).// · Will Hunter Pence figure out those pesky sliding glass doors? //(and how did he land Terrie B?// //[])// · Who needs to draft an MI? · Rick Ankiel? Not sure what question to ask, but his name inherently has a question mark attached.

The Craw has a Staff of aces with different faces: Rock solid ace: Haren Bullpen Ace: Mo Rivera //?Now the questions return?// · Can these potential aces stave off injury? - Harden, Kazmir · Can this ace get his swagger back? - Verlander · Are these future aces ready to fulfill their destiny, now? - Kershaw, Zimmerman · Will Lindsrtom be the closer and prove the Mets shouldn’t have traded him for Jason Vargas?

The specter of injury and mental instability loom over NOLA as thick as its Louisiana night suffused with fermented fumes, dissipated dreams, and muddled memories at 4AM.

Crazy potential if things fall into place, but too many question marks to put him at the top of the Rock going into the season at Preview time. Shawn is a savvy manager that can turn question marks into exclamation points, but for now: 4th to 5th Place.

Patrick Swazye Lives Manager Don McNally
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?


 * 4**** - **

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?
 * Pretty stoked about Teixeira because I thought he’d be gone. Also, Ricky Nolasco. That kid is dope. **
 * I should have waited on Ervin Santana seeing as how he’s on the DL until mid-May… which I should have known. Grrr… **

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?
 * “That’s my roommate!”… the man assaulted me and pissed under my bed in his sleep and it still managed to make me laugh. I love you, roomie! **

4. Whose team are you most impressed with?
 * Much like last year… I like the DOGZILLA. **


 * 1) Are we getting too old?


 * “ **** How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?” **
 * - Satchel Paige **

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:
 * Rockem Sockem – Live the Fantasy **

7. Anything to say to your competitors? Commish’s Take- Ah the McNally, the contracted one, the “nobody puts baby in a corner” one, the should have drafted Julian Tavarez one so I could have made this joke… [] but I regress we got a team to preview here not cheap jokes about late night hook-ups to trot out. TO THE SWAZYE’S!!!
 * (Followed by Sammy Sosa saying, “Ees so reeall!!”) **
 * “That’s M – lower case c – capital N – a – l – l – y… when you’re writing my name on the trophy this year.” **

Tex an Kinsler the two buddy’s who roamed the right side of Arlington are reunited and should provided Runs and Rbi’s. Suzuki is bloody (what is up with the bleeding Asians?), old and on a shatty team, but he may end up in the rotation by August, so that could work nicely. []

Ramierz is a nice corner, but the rest of the bats make me a bit skittish. Renteria? Rivera? Dye? Dukes? Hmmmm, I love me some Rios, but when he is the one bat you need to rely on I am not sure how far you are going to go. Too many uncertainties, too much whiskey, hard to project much from this group.

As for the arms, without Ichiro who do you turn to? Actually love Nolasco, Lowe will be his normal consistent non-spectacular self, and the pundits love them some Wandy this year. When healthy his starters should be good with Lackey, Santana and Ze German, but when will they be healthy? On the plus side he has two monster closers this year, but he will probably trade one pre-season. A broken Staff, Iffy Bats…uh…oh.

Commish Prediction: bottom 3rd, Swazye should make it through the summer in fine condition, doubt McNally does.

Lincecum on Eileen Manager: Mike Ryniec 1. How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? I would say all upstream like a salmon… which has scales. 2 pitchers in the first 2 rounds, I felt like I was fighting to make up that O the rest o’ the day. Luckily, I was able to make those picks from the comfy CG-and-K-laden bosoms of Lincecum and Halladay.

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed? Stoked for Russell Martin falling that far down the row. I never end up with a cool catcher and he’s from LA so I get to hear Vin Scully tell me about the time Martin peed his pants in the 3rd grad because his deciduous forest diarama actually contained fauna that would be found in a tropical rain forest. Not sure on the Zimmerman. I was torn between him and Chris Davis and to be honest, I don’t know why I made that decision… I think it was motivated by my desire for rib tips… 3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)? 3 words…. EEEEEEEEEEES…. A… BOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. Whose team are you most impressed with? Mine. And it just wouldn’t be a preview without giving love to Don Fatone’s team, seems like everybody digs that dude’s draft every year. No exception this year. Looks real good. And if A-Rod comes back for Jay V, that pretty much clears out the offensive side of the board. 5. Are we getting too old? Like Eddie Guardado we all just get a little heavier, sometimes have facial hair and always get the job done…. most of the time… 6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network: “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em. You Wish You Were Us.” 7. Anything to say to your competitors? Let’s get this season rolling! I just can’t wait for opening day! The anticipation is KILLING ME!!!! It will be so fun to be at Landsdowne road and get those free t-shirts and discounted wings and then head to LA for work but skip out on Saturday afternoon to attend a Dodgers game and watch Manny hit a pair of dingers and fly back to NY and see that Zach Greinke will be 5-0 and wish I took him but felt I already had too much pitching and really needed to cool my jets, but who cares right? Play Ball Amigos!!!

Commish’s Take: Mike “Gambit” Ryniec (hope this nickname work’s with Wolverine coming up) used the opening pitching wildcard that was easily the talk of the draft, drafting to a name?? or having a whole lot of head and heart in the right space continuum? With two possible Cy Young winners locked up before most people could chomp a rib tip, it proved to be very exciting stuff no matter how it turns out and I was betting the farm he was drafting another arm with that 3rd pick. Unfortunately I lost a farm and he went with Kemp, and quite honestly I think his team/draft hinges right here. Can Kemp bust out to super stardom? Will he be the combo of pop and speed this Kissing Bandit needs? A-Gonz is a nice power bat in Petco, even if pitchers will pitch around him every chance they get, but it all lies on Kemp. Either way I think Mike might have steals locked up by June and runs might not be an issue, but pop and rib-eye’s could be slim pickin’s. Huge seasons are needed from Thome and Burrell, not impossible but would you bet on both? Did Mike even show up at the draft this year? I can’t remember, awfully busy for an unemployed guy…to the pen.

Hard to fault anything here, and when you use picks 11 and 14 on starters you better be good in the arm department (next to The Pitt’s department…HEY-OH!). The two aces are backed by up and comers Josh Johnson and Malhom, and the Relief squad is fronted by the Jenker and Mike Gon. Whatever goes down in Colorado should help Rye-Knee-ACK! As well as he has no more then 4 Rockies 2 of which are closers…purple people eaters indeed. In the end I just don’t see the stick here…then again I am no Castro when it comes to talking about baseball (Real Dictator Analysis follows) []

Commish Prediction: Bottom 3rd, won’t put anything past a past Champ, but if I am being honest I don’t like the wafting stinky odor coming off this squad.

EphedraHeartStoppers Manager: Jay Moon 1. How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Somewhere between having twins and triplets. On a scale of octuplets, where not having a kid is highest.

2. One Pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked - Youkilis is an OPS machine and now I can yell Yooooouuu at the TV. (Almost as fun as saying Uggla) Changed - Wasted pick on Iannetta when we all knew Inge would be lighting it up as C eligible

3. What is your favorite “bit” or joke to come out of Rockem Sockem (not just this year)?

Anything that comes out of Bulls mouth (insert new bit here)

4. Whose team are you most impressed with?

Zeddemore, but playing the numbers here. History shows he will land in the top 3.

5. Are we getting too old?

I have two kids. Old is not my issue.

6. Give me your pitch or tagline if you were trying to sell Rockem Sockem as a Reality show to a cable network:

Raging alcoholics who love baseball more than their mothers. Enough said.

7. Anything to say to your competitors?

I miss you all.

Commish’s Take: The next father to be getting the review treatment (Strike that CONGRATS ON TWINS MOONDIGGY!) is Jay Moon, a once proud champ who last year continued his upward mobility staying in the top 3 and raking in the free sushi. Now though he has Everett and Jackson (and I don’t mean Carl and Conner) to distract him this year from the Rockem Sockem race, will they alter his attention or will they keep him awake at night to snatch FA call-up’s the second they become live??! Congrats from all of us, now I am going to shit on your team, but by now you should be use to dealing with dumps all over you.

[]

Moon dug into the SNAAAAKE pick and the hot wings like a man possessed, grabbing Howard, Johan and enough Blue Cheese and Newport’s to choke a small horse. Big power bat, dominate starter, nice combo pick and they kept coming Holliday (hopeful pop) and Youk (average, OPS). His bats in general, fuck it his whole team, looks to be very productive, but not really sexy. Cantu, Youk, Hart, Wells, Howie. No one is going to make you pop a boner, but they should all contribute nicely. Well rounded offense here the kind that could really make a dent in the standings the way J used to “dent” bathroom mirrors in Nevada’s.

On the staff side, we all ready mentioned Johan, who with a bullpen could win 20, Zambrano is interesting and could win 20 also, but the ‘pundits’ claim he has lost a step, honestly I don’t agree with them and think he will be solid., no no not THAT Zambrano [] Let’s not bring that up shall we? Young an Meche are middle of the road, and Ubaldo could be great, or could give up 8 runs per-start, the Rocky Mountain Oliver Perez I like to call him (OK just made that up). Jay also grabbed some low level closers on crappy teams…again not grade A prime, but could deliver the stats. Something about those snake picks that usually work out fairly well….

Commish Prediction: Top 1/3rd with new arrivals in the Moon House, he may get another new arrival, or more aptly put an old friend may return... on a sushi boat.

Final Standing Predictions: Well there you go, another preview in the books, and yes, I made 2 Victor Zambrano references which I know was painful for most of you, but suck it up, this is baseball not pussyball…all though I would LOVE to play me some of that, Nah’Sayin!?!?

Again, these are just thoughts, because people have to win, people have to eat for free, and people have to cry like little girls, but I would not be the slightest bit surprised to see anyone I predicted to come in 9-12 win the league this year. All teams are legitimately capable this is not just lip service; ANYONE CAN WIN, someone will, so prove me wrong, or, in one case prove me right…best of luck.

Final Standings Predictions: 12: Wilson 11: McNally 10: Vig 9: Mike 8: Bull 7: SpD 6: Winston 5: Gallagher 4: Birdie 3: Moon 2: BK 1: Fatone (Picking him til he wins it and I am right…maybe)

Commish late note: I did all of these previews a while ago, but I felt changing them a month in wouldn't be fair so I stuck to it...best of luck all.