2016+Preview

The quinceanera! It finally arrived! We are now all prepared to marry...or become nuns, how festive! media type="youtube" key="H3qbSjna8A8" width="560" height="315"

Damn, Mexicans are crazy, I think we should jump in on this pointy boot thing though: media type="youtube" key="veQkt4tS0Tc" width="560" height="315" Anyways...we did look shiny in our ribbons and bows at the Coral Reefer House down there in Key West, god what a draft. It feels like only yesterday we were up all night making “Call 411!” jokes, dropping bud lights in the backyard and watching Tom sleep the whole trip. Really an amazing time, it makes me want to get together with you guys more often because seriously, we are great.

There may be more love in this preview then snark and jokes, but just know I still think all of your picks suck. As always I am just dealing with your team as of the draft with my takes; I can’t keep track if you picked up Johnny Hotnuts or slipped the tongue to Malcolm McVultureSave. I am also doing this before I read your response to any of my questions, so any connection is just serendipitous. So in Draft Order…

Bull:

 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Laughter scale: A Michael Ryniec

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

5th round Tulowitski…….probably Trea Turner for a 3rd Baseman

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

My own. Been in the 1 hole before and always found it frustrating because the talent is always depleted by the snake. This year there was always a top guy available through the first 8-9 rounds.

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

Stick Arms

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

Everywhere’s a destination draft for half the league these days. 5 years…..DisneyWorld draft with the kids

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft

BK losing his shit for 5 rounds after I took Goldschmidt.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Someone call 911!!!! ||

Commish Take: Bull went after it hard early, both in picks and drinking. Seemed like Bull blew his load at the start, but then it kinda hit me...the kid is respectable, has two jobs, two kids, two wifes...err just kidding Ellen/Lafonda, but in all seriousness he doesn’t drink with/as much as the rest of us, so when we get together the drunk bad jokes come out early and often. One thing was clear though, he was sober for the draft, sitting at the big kids table, and it was a pleasure getting to hang (and almost draft) with him in Orlando, making the first pick from Space Mountain would have been something. On to the picks, Bull came out strong and went against all the pundits and decided that The Huge NaziJew from Arizona (Racist!) was going to be the number 1 overall pick as Paul Goldschmidt joined the Ballerinas. Not the move I would have made, but can you really go wrong with the first pick?!?! (Bull might have). Other bats look iffy, so Goldy better be the runaway first pick. If (a big IF) TT boy, Desmond and long shots like Park Choo and Alvarez come through he could be OK, but as it stands Bull (like usual) is going to have to rely on his staff if he wants to eat free.

Bull always goes hard on his arm (insert jerk off joke) with Sale and Mad Bum being a damn good one-two and grabbing Richards late was a steal. His closers are top of the pops too with Wade Davis, McGee and Casilla being strong...even though I think (hope to god) Casilla loses that job by June. So Bull seems arm heavy and stick arm weak if that makes sense, but he is one of the best managers in this league, so where will he finish?!

Commish Predication: Bottom Third, I liked Bull’s team better when I was loaded down with Miami Vice’s, just think his bats are way too weak, going to need to pitch his face off to even contend.

BK:
1) Rate Draft: On a scale of weekend references, I won't throw it in the pool, but I don't have more Wendy's than I can eat, either. While the bats have grizzly (grisly?) hog potential, the staff is a bit stick-armed.

2) Stoked: Corey Seager - Fun roll of the dice at SS, Ron Darling loves him, and I thought Mike took him earlier in the round with Kyle, so I was excited he was there. Changed: Familia in the 9th - No hate, but earlier than I planned for closer and.... me heaaart. One step closer to getting the cup named after me.

3) Most impressed with: Ocean's Bly adds to Esor resume.

4) Travel story - told mine a few times, so in ellipsis-style: Step-son fought the Belt to get me to JFK at 7:30.....elderly Irish lady joined me in food court lamenting education and NYC changes since the 60s....land in Ft. Lauderdale...three separate JetBlue workers "never heard" of Silver airways/connecting flight...guy under "JUST ASK" sign obliged, telling me I "Looked healthy enough" to walk three terminals over to connection...bar at Chili's: security salesman tries to sell system to my school...delay...UCONN grad watching tourney game lamenting his team and broken marriage...delay...ex-patriot Londoner buys me a beer because he feels bad for me being a teacher...delay...no answers at desk...delay...natives get restless, as pitchforks and torches begin to appear...a man shuffles next to me to say, "apparently you're leading the charge here, what are we going to do?"....rather than becoming a martyred revolutionary, I'm inspired by a passenger who canceled her flight and was renting a car... agree to split the rental price and the 4-hour drive...arrive upstairs at T’s to cheers and odd splits. As for the return - I'll just thank Tom for keeping me awake and sane for another marathon in Ft. L....return in the snow... living room at 10:45pm....smiles and hugs.

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when? Don't have a definite thought, but baseball and directness of travel should be involved. And Miami Vices.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft? Drinks, anecdotes, and true laughter by the poolside with Moon and Birdie while Secretary of Rock'em McNally records quips. Indignantly scolding Fatone on his Wainwright pick only to get a rye smile and thumbs up on 3-second delay. SPD and I representing NY amongst the country-folk for a redheaded Siren. Saviors and martinis at the waterfront with Jeff. In-between pick sojourns with Bull at the snake. Distracting Eben from his baseball information for mild politics and 451 on the porch. Mike and Vig's driveway entrance -- eventually Mike's missing laugh pouring off the porch and Vig's showing us his acting role added a surreal element to the already ubiquitous looks up at our pink house from the sidewalk. Tom bookending my travel travails - greeting at the house on Thursday and carrying me through Sunday.  But I have to admit, my favorite moment was waking up way too early on Saturday, walking down to the waterfront past wild roosters to get a cup of coffee, only thinking about draft lists and new scenery. I wouldn't want it to be my daily routine, but it was a decompressing moment that life rarely affords me, so I'll take that one.

7) Anything To Say: F.B.G.T. (the T is for Trophies)

Commish’s Take: How the fuck did we give the Champ the number 2 pick AND the experts pick as best player!??! This is absurd, it is like we all rig the league for BK to win it...is he paying the rest of you off with free admission to Molloy for your kids?!? This is Bullshit to those of us without little brats...I mean all of your children are adorable and perfect and all of that...whatever. We all needed this trip in our own way, but BK seemed to relax with the best of them, I didn’t see him stressed out until his second pick even with travel chaos...that must be some sort of record. Glad he made it. Glad he fell off a stool (wish I saw it) and glad he is going to beat us all again...or will he?!??!

On the offense side of the fence BK took Trout, then backed him up with pure MEAT like all the Wendy’s that you savage fast food eaters purchased this trip...I am still picking sea salt fries and frosty out of my bag. JD, Crush Davis, Cruz give him about 1,256 HR’s At least though with all of those bats he will have a shitty rotation and bullpen right…

Uh what?! Archer Hamels Ross Rodon?! He has proven and young talent with starters and Familia closing with a few outliers like Smith and Grilli. Jesus...why even write the rest of this preview. BK’s Got Rockem On Lock! media type="youtube" key="oMwf6p0Lvo4" width="560" height="315" (Good to see Sillk The Shocker is still alive as of 2014....)

Commish’s Prediction: Top Third. Duh, it’s BK.

Fatone:
More fun that I expected going the remote route but didn't come close to the real thing being there in person, look forward to the next one
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Stoked about Harper, always stoked about picking top 3, also very stoked about getting Cueto back in the NL and the west coast, can't see how that could ever be a bad thing. Regret, Upton, I've been there with this prick once before, maybe twice?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">3) Whose mom are you most impressed with?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Mike and Vig, love that Vig pulled it off and made it "on time".

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Hermosa beach as soon as everyone is ready to travel again, can't go wrong here

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Stalking you guys on the bar cam and catching this moment: <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">(put in Pic from Don)

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Go Don! || Commish Take: I gotta say it hurt that Fatone couldn’t make it to the draft. Thankfully technology made me see him and Henry more than I actually saw BK during the physical draft, but it still hurts. The hangover he gave to all of us also still hurts, thanks for the booze Fatty, now NEVER MISS ANOTHER DRAFT! Onto the picks… Fatone drafted my boyfriend Bryce who is the best thing that ever happened to baseball ever (Millennial overblown statement quota OFFICIALLY reached) so I have to love his team. Ahh but my man crush didn’t win me the league last year so he obviously needs support and Fatty did that too, speed with Deez Nuts, average with Buster Posey and some big pop late via Duda and Chris (40 Dongs) Carter. That's a lot of bats.. media type="youtube" key="kx5-IWwIkuA" width="420" height="315"

On the arms side of things Fatty looks pretty rosy as well. Kluber will rack up the K’s, Wainwright will bounce back big and the combo of the Shark and Cueto will probably lead the Giants to the World Series. Some lower level closers may be the only area Fatty could use help as Ramos and Osuna could be fine, our ousted from their roles by decent setup man. Fatone has been doing amazingly well over the last few years but hasn’t sailed the Eets a Boat to the Left Coast...is this the year???

Commish’s Prediction: Top Third, I like everything Fatty did except stay home.

McNally:
Thanks for everything, Commish!

1 - 4 trips to Wendy's 2 - Stoked about Kershaw. I've never had him. And uh... ONE pick I should have changed??!?! 3 - Brian... cause, ya know? 4 - I feel bad saying it but mine wasn't bad at all really? Bird and I were delayed from Miami to NY, but other than that it was pretty smooth. Plus the delay allowed for me to watch Star Wars again... 5 - Cooperstown, 2021... bring the kids. 6 - my fourth and eleventh round naps 7 - Although I was pretty loaded for a lot of the time and I regrettably missed a bunch of shenanigans, I love each and every one of you. Put that on the side of your dick.

Commish’s Take: Wow. (Is anything else needed...well I got some time on my hands so deep breath…) Well we have all been drunk and silly at the draft, but I think Donny may have taken it to a new level for this one. Jameson is his friend for sure, but I am not sure his team should be sponsored by it, like Tangled Upton Blue is this year.

He drafted Xander Bogarts about 4 times to play all infield positions and I am not sure who else. The Todd Father, Hosmer and Rendon and Yelich are all nice, but are they leading a team to a title?!? Mmm NOPE! media type="youtube" key="mJXYMDu6dpY" width="560" height="315" The strength of McNally’s squad lies in their alcohol tolerance and starting pitching. He went the route patented by Ryniec a few years ago double big pitch around Kershaw. Moon did it last year as well, and it almost worked too, so maybe Don has a chan….hahaha!!! I could'nt even type that. Well Arrieta was the handcuff and I am not sure he will be as good as he was, but how could he? Even so the rest of Donnies Grizzled Hog’s pen looks a bit shaky with Pineda and Verlander. Sure if JV stuns batters with nude pics of Kate Upton’s cans he may get more strikeouts but I am not sure he can bounce back as well as those breasts do. Oh at least his bullpen...wait...what bullpen, well played once again McNally, well played.

Commish’s Prediction: Bottom Third. Sorry Dmac, this one was the easiest prediction this year...which probably means you will win it all. (//Commish Note, this is being posted June 1st and of course McNally's in 1st place...//)

Jay Vig:
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? I felt as good as I ever did about any draft. Also, I was just happy to be there.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    AJ Pollack. For both

3) Whose team are you most impressed with? I wasn't really impressed with anyone's tram in particular. I thought it was a pretty even draft. For the most part

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

Getting down in a Camaro and hurtling across those unbelievable bridges over crystal blue water was worth every penny. Leaving the commish stuck at the airport, was not the greatest way to end it. Once learning that they started bussing you guys 10 by 10 back to Lauderdale. Well, mike had the best line "All i see is SPD getting on these buses with strangers and shaking his fist at the sky like an angry prospector!"

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when? I think we should destination draft next in three years. And then every two years after that.  I like sun and the Caribbean but socal could work too.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft? Getting there. No doubt about it. Getting there and giving a hug to all

7) Anything To Say to your competitors? You win again

Commish’s Take: While he held up the draft causing a few people (McNally) to go extra hard on the whiskey we are just happy Vig made it, cruising in style with that black bat mobile. So very glad you made it sir, and glad you forced us out post draft...I’m still feeling those late night beers by the pool. No sleep doesn’t help me, but I know you were woken up late night as well...so..err well..I will leave that alone...onto the picks!

For the bats doubling up with Donaldson and Pollock covers all the power speed bases and looks like a great move (//Commish Update: Pollock out all year, too bad so sad//). I am not sold on Sano but he should hit 35+ and Cano Kinsler shore up his MI. Franco, Gordon and Zimmerman are all solid late picks and all of a sudden Vig looks strong on the O front. Arms are lead by the Dark Knight. I love him, hope he does well and this year I see him coming up huge. That said, the rest of the starters look umm...lame? He will probably need Serevino to pitch his balls off or make a move, while his Pen is OK with the likes of Tolleson and K-Rod. Well half his team is good…

Commish’s Prediction: Middle Third, Half a team? Sounds like middle of the pack to me.

Mike
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a “total number of hours I spent in Key West” scale, I would give myself a 16 out of a possible 18 hours.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Well, my draft sheet is a bit soggy still but lemme see if I can read who went where… no, no I cant.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Very much liked Gallagher’s squad and Jay Vig’s. Perhaps I should have sat AT that table instead of under it! Fatone dialing in remotely did some nice work as well.

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

I haven’t stayed up past 24 hours straight since college. And if I’m being honest, I don’t really think I even did that then? There was always a nap of 15 minutes, 30 minutes whatever. Because of the ridiculous travel to this elderly oasis, this gray-haired garden of eden, I did just that. So I’m fuzzy. Let’s try and recap all from the playlist that lives in my Spotify currently, built immediately after the trip…

MY KEY WEST MUSICAL DIARY by Mike Ryniec:

“I Know You Rider” – Grateful Dead – Jay Vig and I have landed in Miami! We got a siiiiiiick rental car! And now with a belly full of Burger King and a heart full of draft picks we hit the open road! Good travel. Just 3 and ½ quick hours to KEY WEST!!!!

“The Ghost Of Tom Joad” – Rage Against The Machine – We’ve been on the road now for almost two hours and somehow google maps is telling me that Key West is exactly 3 and ½ hours away?!?!? STILL?!?!?!?!?!?! Jay slams the accelerator and we race into the wrong lane just long enough to scream at the top of our lungs while this song plays.

“Zunga Zeng” – Yellowman – We came! We saw! We drafted! And now an NYU party circa ’95 has broken out poolside.

“Amie” – Pure Prairie League – is it the same day? Is it a different day? I think I slept? I know I’m back in the Camaro? And I know that the harmonies sound even sweeter now that Winston is singing from the backseat.

“Beautiful Girls” – Sean Kingston - Let’s get some roadside Miami Vices on the way to Martin’s house in Miami. We got time. No matter how scant it may seem. Key West, you’ll have me suicidal, suicidal, when you say it’s over.

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

Next destination should be NYC – it’s a destination for me dammit! – and our triumphant return to LIC Bar. I need a year of normalcy. If you consider that normalcy? Oh wait, LUNACY! I need a year of lunacy.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

EBEN: “Stevie Mets?”

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

It’s May and this questionnaire is what I remember from our time together three months ago, which I guess is saying something. If you have some memories, some good memories, maybe it’s all worth it.

Always memorable with you fellows. Love you all.

Commish’s Take: Arriving with Vig late, but bringing his A game to Key West was Ryniec who kept the party going all night with his energy and that stemmed strictly from his personality and NOT JAGERBOMBS. It was a joy to have him join (even if he was late!) so how did he draft? Charles Nelson Riley says it all minus my puppetry of the penis movement...need a gif for that...no I don't nevermind. He kicked off with Correra who I think is ready to explode to top three level talent this year but then went a bit old for Joey Bats and Big Papi. That Old Latin Spice may have curdled or have one last jump in it. Seager Carpenter Eaton Wong...not even a twitch in the pants...zero boner excitement from them. Now that I dig into his team CC BETTER blow up or Mike will be a’struggling this year for any offense.

That might not matter though as Mr.MR always extends his staff (ewww) and this year he went deep deep south with it (double ewww) nabbing Dallas from Houston (odd) and a cuban from Miami (not so odd). I am not sure Fernandez is back yet, and I doubt Dallas repeats his great year, I think Mike might have fucked up his staff (?!?!) for once. Sonny is a great #3, but again Ryniec must have read false info in the batmobile as the Storen pick was waaaay early. Will Darvish Contribute...not much IMO. I honestly think Mike drafted his team one year to early... Sure next year Ortiz will be retired but the rest of his team could win him a boat.

Commish’s Prediction: Middle Third, Since I’m halfway through, let me say this here, if I could, I would rank most the teams in the middle third this year, so many question marks everywhere this year is going to be wild.

Birdie:
1. 1= Fat Tuesday's 10=Sloppy Joe's Rate mine a 6 - The Bull and Whistle. Started off great, but like hearing that the third floor was clothing optional, it sucked as the only naked person there amongst the masses was a guy with his hog hanging out. 2.Anthony Rizzo, Should have drafted a catcher 3. Bull. Solid across the board 4. I will defer to BK's story, His was an adventure 5. NOLA 6. Getting scolded at for buying a lap dance for someone, Hustling at darts, Hearing a bar back yell "Call 411!" when the old guy got clocked in the street, Laughing as Eben is trying to pronounce "Hyun Soo Kim" to draft in the 23rd round and no one knows who he is, Eating a taco dog!, knowing big brother Fatone had our backs as he was tapped into every webcam in Key West. (Too bad there wasn't one in Teasers), and of course Twig Arms 7. Good Luck.

Commish’s Take: The man with the plan (to find a beach in Key West if it killed him) Bird flew south and was the third one there joining Bull and I for some Fish Sandwiches and girly drinks in the warm Florida sun….it was all downhill from there. Just kidding, what a trip, good seafood beers and drinks, lets go back...actually lets go to NOLA. On the pick front I think he took Christopher Columbus on a Speedboat but I could be wrong...oh it says here he grabbed Rizzo Betts and Votto 1-2-3, that covers Power, Speed, Avg pretty robustly. Waiting a bit he dipped back into bats with some oldies but goodies with Longoria, Ramierz and Murphy. All could be great, but I love that Polanco pick, I think he busts out raw like sushi this year...yes, I did just drop some Neneh Cherry on y’all. media type="youtube" key="JWsRz3TJDEY" width="420" height="315" Interestingly Birdie went Pitch 4-7 and loaded up on the back end of the 1st level starters and top RP's. Grienke King Felix Carrasco and Jensen. Really solid top three, I was staying away from Grienke, he is such a nutcase, but the rest are great picks and makes Birdie a real contender...but how close will he come to Eets A Boat?

Commish’s Prediction: Top Third, the whammy has been delivered Birdie.

Moon:
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Monchichi

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Really liked Lindor, Stroman, Maeda Really wanted Betts over Cutch, but couldn't pull the string

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

McNally - 1. Going pitch pitch in first 2 rounds always wins. 2. He slept through most of the draft and can still field a team.

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

Not sure I can complete with the trains, planes and automobiles of others. Worst part was having to see Tom sooner than expected.

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

Left Coast

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

Stick arms

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Stick arms

Commish’s Take: Slicking back the hair and slicking out the draft, Moon came in hot and ready, blazing a trail through Key West and his picks. Close the last few years, but no cigar Moon came to win this year. Let’s see if he can tattoo another championship to the side of his dick. “You Won’t”.

Best third bagger on the board in the first round for the second year in a row this time the huge slugger from Colorado makes the squad with McCutch backing him up. We all passed on The Dread Pirate once, but hard to pass him twice (I did, think he is in for a regression) but Gonzalez, Braun and Black-Man all solidify the top of his O face. Love the late rookie love of Gallo and Buxton as well.

For the arms Moon went with the big Boston free agent Price as well the little Stroman. One of those picks I love here’s a hint: I hate everything about Boston. The late starters will help him as I like Wacha and Maeda as a 3-4 while his Bullpen will be average with Melancon and Ziegler. Nothing flashy with the arms, but Moon makes moves...we shall see. media type="youtube" key="v5dkDkyjuVs" width="420" height="315" Wasn't expecting that one were ya....

Commish’s Prediction: Top Third, Up there again for Moon Diggy fighting for Eets a Boat to go float on the Great Lakes.

Eben:
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

In the immortal measure of Garth Brooks, I would rate my draft as Three Pina Coladas, one for each hand, and the other for the pilot who flew the plane back to DC, who had clearly already had his two Pina Coladas.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Manny Machado, who I wouldn't previously have recognized if he were the man on the street (and still wouldn't, for that matter...he may very well live on the street), but he turned out to be a digital blessing. As far as the poor choices, any of the many, many accidentally-selected Yankees would qualify.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Mine. I honestly thought I had this year completely locked up upon leaving Duval Street. The team was something for the ages, the finest assemblage of The Spearmint Rhinos in 15 years. I am also impressed because this bastion of potential is panning out to be the all-time-worst Rockem Sockem team ever. And that is saying something. Because Tom is in the league.

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

There was this moment, standing in Fat Tuesdays, when I traveled to the year 2000. Nelly's glorious "Must Be the Money" suddenly blasted over the speakers and all the white Millennials started going crazy. Girls with tramp stamps. Some etched on their faces. Shirtless dudes with backward hats all studying to be Mark Wahlberg. It was mayhem. And they commenced their usual shenanigans of sexually assaulting one another and biting off the worst dance routines of the third world. And I thought, "None of these people should have voting rights." And then I thought, "Because you are thinking about the electoral college while drinking a Miami Vice, you shouldn't have voting rights either." So it all evened out. Democracy, baby! And the thing is, I haven't been to the year 2000 in 16 years, so that was certainly something.

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

Washington, DC. St. Patrick's Day. 2017. Congress will be in session and if we can get John Rocker to block us on Twitter, we certainly have the potential to spark Congressional legislation prohibiting us from the Nation's Capitol.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

Maybe it was when Mike and Vig rolled up on Saturday. Or maybe it was one of those off moments, sitting upstairs at the bar throwing back a Jaeger, but curiously...I only feel normal and fully amused by life among this collection of people. And maybe that's the real travel story, and why we do it every year. And why we will continue to do it until it's time to flip the shot glass.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

You see, that's the beauty of this league. I don't have a damn thing to say that needs to be said. Every other soul on Earth is half-brain dead, save for those who keep daily counsel of the Rockem Sockem leaderboard.

Commish’s Take: I wish I had an animated gif of Eben’s draft materials getting tossed into the pool, pure classic bit. Neezer just wanted to drink starbucks in the sun, listen to “Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie” late night and read his draft material in between..but noooooo. What a trip. He didn’t need those materials though because Chief Beef brought the Meat and the Wood and whatever else perverted phrase you want to call bats…

Drafting all offense the first seven rounds...ballsy. I like most of the choices especially Manny, MigCab and Springer, great mix of old and young wood...wait that sentence can get me tossed into a Venezuelan Jail I think….Jones is solid Cain and Kipinis meh, but the Full Monty went all in on O and should be close to the top in a lot of categories except SB’s. Those missed draft materials came in late though as Neezer did his Jay Vig impersonation drafting any and all Yanks (Castro, A-Rod, McCann, Beltran).

Arms? What arms...oh...well he did draft some closers, Kimbrel Britton and Papelboner puts him towards the top of Saves, but god his starters blow. Shields, Or-i-doozy, Iran-Tehran and McCugh? Sounds like a bad wrestling stable from the 80’s. media type="youtube" key="1UR4GQXLRjg" width="420" height="315"

Commish’s Prediction: Middle Third, Won’t you step into the Freezer? Mr. Ebenezer? Because no one will care about the last video other then Mike and Bull... media type="youtube" key="byfGO9cgeIs" width="560" height="315"

Tom:
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? McNally drafted Jose Reyes. So better than his.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

I was happy about Encanarcion if only because it's the only chance to topple the champ. One that I would have changed is Jose Reyes if I had drafted him.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

BK's. I didn't even look at the teams before answering. It has to be BK's, right?

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

I am guessing it had to be Eben. I can only assume he got his concussion while traveling to Key West. The concussion that made him call out the names of every drafted player for the last six rounds. I'm pretty sure he called out players that HE already drafted. I will give him credit, though, for never calling out "Jose Reyes".

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

I say back to spring training in FLA. Or maybe another Rockem home city (LA, CHI, DC). In a couple of years.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

When McNally drafted Reyes. Stunning. Stunning.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Congrats, Brian.

Commish’s Take: Tom had the hardest trip, sick as a dog, but trooper’d it out...is that a phrase? Did I spell Frase Right? I am going blind typing this in one sitting. Rockem needs an intern...or maybe this can be my full time job, you guys want to pay for my cobra? Rough weather in his head and stomach didn’t stop him from going crazy on the draft though as Tom’s team looks all over the place and a bit queasy themselves. Corner’s got covered quick with young talent (Byrant) and old Parrots (EE). The double pitch of DeGrom and Cole are a great 1-2 but this team looks real top heavy…(insert boob joke...I'll go here...) media type="youtube" key="slh-axJqPuE" width="560" height="315" The question marks come fast and furious like Vin Diesel (Tom's so happy I just compared his team to that guy..). Can CarGo make it a full season? Is Dozier really a 6th round pick? Who the fuck is Ketel Marte? Some decent closers but Tom’s team looks like a triple A squad...I think Tom just may need AA before the season is over.

Commish’s Prediction: Bottom 3rd. Way to many questions and not enough answers or much else honestly.

Winston:
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">On a scale of bars, my draft compares to the third floor of The Bull in Key West. No preparation needed and it shows. Loose and gross.
 * <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Really happy to own Syndergaard this year. Lagging in SBs and runs for years - I think I tried to over compensate with Billy Hamilton and Ellsbury back to back in 8/9. Gross.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">3) Whose team are you most impressed with? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">This year more than most I felt like most of the teams were comparable coming out of the draft. Some people went sexy starters early, some went power bats, some went balanced. Everyone has good picks with some question marks mixed in but no one or two teams really stand out to me. Should be a fun year.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">I bought a normal ticket with a connection down to key west. I bought an extra flight to get an earlier connecting flight into key west so as to maximize my drinking in the sun time. Both flights to key west got canceled. The return trip wasn't a whole lot smoother. When I showed up at the airport in key west and I looked at the flight board, it had more canceled flights than those departing. All the canceled flights in red were concerning, the fact that my flight wasn't listed on screen felt a bit more troubling. When I got to the front of the line, they said the flight I was booked on didn't exist in their computer. They suggested "calling JetBlue". I opted instead to get in the back of Ryniec and Vig's Camero to shake and sweat. They say the drive through the keys is beautiful. I wouldn't know. The "backseat window" in a Camero is literally the size of a postcard, cut in half, diagonally. Maybe if Tom and Bk were up front I would've been able to see something through the front windshield, but Vig and Ryniec aren't really guys you can see past inside of a 3 ft cubic space. I spent the night at a friend of Vig's in Miami. He lives in a gated community the size of a small town. I woke up at 4am, called an uber and grabbed my bag, more than ready to find my way home. Now all I had to do was meet the driver outside of the gated community. Gated communities the size of towns don't really have any distinguishing characteristics. Everything looks exactly the same. Except for packs of angry geese, they stand out. While I was stumbling around trying to figure out how to get out this place, I came around a car and was greeted by a pack of baby geese and one really pissed off mother goose. Yes I got chased by a goose at 4am in said gated community. The upside of running was that I found the gate to the outside world. The guardhouse was empty. No answer on Vig's phone. Barbed wire and wrought iron gating with spiked tips up top. What would you do? I followed the gate down into the moat (yes, this gated community had a moat). Luckily down in the moat the iron gate became a chain link fence which I was able to push down so I could fling my bag around it and scale it around the end from one side to the other. Sneakers caked with mud but the dude abides.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Spring training. ASAP.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">The whole thing was truly enjoyable. Great house, great times.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">7) Anything To Say to your competitors? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; vertical-align: baseline;">Love yous all. ||

Commish’s Take: A new leaf has officially been turned over as Winston has decided to start drafting at a normal (for us) pace. Well he figured drafting slow never got him shit, maybe fast will help? Winston has also moved away from the no pitch strategy, I guess he tossed that move into the pool for Wilson to use. A more well rounded, well paced squad is exactly what will give him his first champio...blah I can’t even finish that sentence.

In examining the squad, the power still reigns supreme with a 1-2 of Giancarlo and Abreu (not Bobby). Barring ANOTHER freak injury Giancarlo should lead the league in homers...that said I wouldn’t draft him this year even if he fell, because he //is// going to have ANOTHER freak injury. He just will. Joining the power assault on mount dong (not a real place, calm down Bull) Pujols Gattis and Grandal. All should hit around 30 (while batting .208) but the place Winston really surprises is in speed. It always seems the guineas Fatty and VIg run away with steals (or should based on the draft) but steals are all the Pollock-Armenian-Future Jew (converting next marriage, bet on it). Offense will def be a plus for Winston, it always is, he is just offensive.

Where I am not sold is on the mound. Noah is a pure beast with those cold dead eyes just like Jaws. media type="youtube" key="VUuH4TEmgLo" width="560" height="315" I hope he eats up the National League, but I fear he might explode as in the finale. Lots of innings on that arm last year and the Mets may hold him back for (god willing) an October run. Salazar is legit, but Tanaka is held together with glue and rubber bands. He also drafted no closers (assuming Chapman closes for the yanks when he gets back) and while I know Jeff will be the most active on the wire as possible for RP’s I do this preview based only on the draft. Plus Moon always beats him to the punch (literally) so he could be out in the cold leading to...

Commish Take: Middle Third, This team could def surprise if everything works, but I can say that about everyone so I see just missing it for Jeffe.

SPD:
1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)? The Richter scale, developed in the 1930s, is a base-10 logarithmic scale, which defines magnitude as the logarithm of the ratio of the amplitude of the seismic waves to an arbitrary, minor amplitude.

As measured with a seismometer, an earthquake that registers 5.0 on the Richter scale has a shaking amplitude 10 times that of an earthquake that registered 4.0, and thus corresponds to a release of energy 31.6 times that released by the lesser earthquake All that explained?

....I barely knocked over a house of cards balanced on a unicycle....

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

I think Strasburg is going to be a beast this year with his contract on the line and the Nats needing to win, Dusty managing, I think it is the perfect storm for CG’s, K’s etc.

I never thought I would draft Schwarber, but I think he will deliver (Editors Note: [|__WHOOPS__], over before it began) so I will go with Incarte, he is a borderline rostered player for Rockem, not a 14th round pick.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Read the Preview

4) Guest Question from Eben: So this year we learned that Key West is not necessarily the easiest travel destination. Let's have em for the Wiki. One line...one paragraph...whatever...who has the most intriguing travel story?

Jesus what a shit show (for all of us, I know). Getting thrown into a van for a four hour and fifteen minute “Shuttle” from Key West to Fort Lauderdale with 10 other people. Sprinting onto my flight, (2 women in my van who had to check bags didn’t make the plane that we were all on) but there was a moment I was going to freak in the van and if it wasn’t for The Grateful Dead, there might have been 10 more people Dead in Florida and most probably would have been Grateful after that debacle. media type="youtube" key="ZOVIQORfFrk" width="420" height="315"

5) Where should the next destination draft take place and when?

Now and anywhere, I love traveling with this group. I am seriously down to travel every year. I do like going somewhere warm...but next time a place that doesn’t need a connecting flight from NYC.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 15 Draft?

Too many to count. I will say I am so happy with how the house worked out so well. It is a pain in the ass, seriously, to get you guys to do things, but when it comes together I honestly couldn’t be happier. You guys are my family and being able to all stay together made it even better then I thought it would be. Thanks for that, thanks for everything.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Seriously? Over 5025 words...read it, or don’t I’m done.

And now this year after two fellow Rockem members turned me down, we have **Tom Gallagher** doing a preview of the Commish’s team. Thanks Tom, you will always be right next to the two hole in my heart...

Guest Preview Tom Gallagher:

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Well here I am writing a "preview" of the Commish's team in June. I was asked by the Commish in a garbled, misspelled text to do this a few weeks ago because two other Rockemers (Rockems?) declined. At least I finished in the top 3 in something this year. The reason they declined is because they didn't think they would be funny. Well there's nothing funny about Rockem 15 dammit! I know I'm supposed to ignore all that's happened so far and approach this as a preview but how can I ignore what has happened to this league? McNally is in 1st place! Read that again. It's June 3rd and DON. MCNALLY. IS. IN .1ST. PLACE. What the fuck is wrong with this world?! To think that Don would be in first palce and Vig would be in the basem...okay so some things are in order but my brain just hurts...so...bad.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Right...so Shawn's team.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Shawn made the same tactical error that most teams made by not getting blackout drunk after round 2 and allowing the Magazine Gods to take over. He did, however, start off with arguably the best top 4 picks of the draft with a well rounded group of Altuve, Scherzer, Fielder, and Strasburg. Prince would be the //most// well-rounded, obviously and fat jokes are lazy and easy (like my Uncle Murray). I don't really have an Uncle Murray but Shawn does have a nice 1, 2 punch in the pen with Chapman and Rondon (there were no segues on the waiver wire). Unfortunately, two closers won't help too much so they look like trade bait to me.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Overvaluing Big Dummy Puig with the 5th pick may have been a misstep but he turned that around by grabbing potential bust out player of the year in Kyle Schwarber (March 5, 1993 - April 4, 2016. RIP). His knee is with the Angels now. Speaking of Angels, Shawn didn't draft any so let's move on.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Actually, before we move on, did any of you fucking old fucks notice that Kyle Scwarber was born in 1993?! Bull tells nipple jokes older than him!

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">A lot of gambling is sprinkled through SPD's draft. Will Hunter Strickland supplant Casilla as the closer? (He won't). Will David Wright stay healthy? (He won't) Will David Wright hit more than 5 home runs? (He will!) Will Matt Cain re-establish himself as a human being that has an even remotely useful right arm? (He won't...and by the way fuck Matt Cain. Fuck him to hell.)

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Smart picks include Denard Span in the 21st round and Addison Russell in the 12th. Russell should score a ton of runs in that lineup.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Overall I like Shawn's top 3 arms of Creepy-Eyed Max, Strasburg, and Lester. Beyond Altuve, speed is iffy and if everything clicks right, there is some power potential. Will it be enough to counterbalance Joc Pederson's .072 batting average? It definitely will...if you're trying to finish in 6th place. Expect to see the Commish in the middle of the pack this year.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; display: block; font-family: arial,sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Now, if you'll excuse, I have to wipe the tears off of my keyboard and set the lineup for my 10th placed team. At least I didn't draft Reyes. Commish’s Take: (for himself) Bottom Third. This team is fucking whacky, not in a good way.

**Overall Standings**: Here’s where I say the patented sentences and I seriously mean them (Except that we all know BK will probably win again):

The league is waaaay too tight, injuries and breakout seasons are what will decide this year’s champ. It will come down to the final days like always and something weird will probably decide the title and who eats for free. I seriously believe anyone can win this thing…and the great thing is? Someone will.

So here are the overall predictions: 12. McNally 11. Tom 10. SPD 9. Bull 8. Mike 7. Vig 6. Eben 5. Winston 4. Moon Tie 2. BK & Fatty 1. Bird