2017+Preview

Here we go, turning sweet 16, blossoming before our daddies eyes....Wait that sounds gross. I am sure kids today handle turning 16 like the adults they are becoming.... media type="youtube" key="90HhZ-pyC2Y" width="560" height="315" Happily, I couldn't really understand her, than I saw this pic and wept for humanity...as well as her parents poor child raising skills: Anyways, on to the millions of words about basically nothing. I will be conducting your preview as usual, you all answered some questions...some quicker than others (Eben was last this year getting his in on May 9th). Been doing this a while now, not sure if it is as fresh as it used to be, but you fellas get what you pay for. Nothing. Actually, now that I think about it, you guys get A LOT more than you pay for, so shut up and read.

I have a patented line that i end the preview with, but while going over things I felt more needed to be said: Fairly solid but not outstanding...honestly that is how I feel about most of the teams this year. Parity has officially come to Rockem in 2017, very few teams jump out as great or awful, most seem middle of the road, but I gotta write this… Ok Ok...God... As always I am just dealing with your team as of the draft with my takes; I can’t keep track if you picked up Johnny Hotnuts or slipped the tongue to Malcolm McVultureSave. I am also doing this before I read your response to any of my questions, so any connection is just serendipitous. So in Draft Order…

Birdie:

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

3 out of 6 jameson shot. the first half was great the last half, not so much

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked about Trout (obviously) One pick i should have changed: Every year I won, I drafted a Met. I forgot to so i am not winning this year....fuck

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Jay Moon

4) In 2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

Snorting coke off some guy's dick in the LIC Bar bathroom.

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

Bo Jackson

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

I feel like Eben every year provides the comedy to the draft, although I am sure it was more funny to me after 2 JJger Bombs and 6 Jameson shots. This year the trend continued with his draft pick Mark MAL-IN-CON. After the entire room asked "Who the fuck is that", he responded with "the closer for the Pirates". Then the hysterical laughter, yes you mean Mark Melancon. Thanks Eben for the ab workout.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Best League Ever! Good Luck Boys!

Commish Take:

Did you guys read last year's preview? Who’d I pick to win the whole thing? Who won the whole thing...Shit...I got it right. Who knew?!?.Obviously none of you. Maybe Birdie did as he usually gets angry at me when I like his team...he did last year...how that turn out for you Ferrari? Oh yeah, you won. Now maybe other aspects of life weren’t so hot (who needs a job? Certainly not me) but when you win rockem, all other things go by the wayside...How does the reigning champion look this year? For offense John seemed back and forth between power and speed picks with the likes of EE and Abreu hopefully providing pop and Villar providing speed all after big number 1 Trout was off the board. Bird seems safe all around, with a few wildcard (Sano pull it all together? Brantley back to old form?) picks that could help, but nothing that jumps out.

Honestly feel the same way about the staff here, even a little worse. Kluber is a solid one, but I am not as high on Quintana as most. If Dallas reemerges in Houston this staff could be Austin...wait, bad math there, but I think Kechel is the key to his staff as his Pen only has two opening day closers. The current champ (not BK) may have to wheel and deal come the deadline if the random picks don’t show up.

Commish Prediction: Bottom Third, I just think something major needs to pop for this squad to eat for free...and not Trout’s hamstring

Vig:

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

I felt like it was my least emotionally connected draft. As far as picks.

I enjoyed the shit out of pickin em though!!

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

I feel like this question, at least for me is almost always the same pick.

Greg bird being the case.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

I think everyone has a good team. But my table roomie, McNally, i am impressed with.

4) In 2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

Popping out half mick kids and drowning in alcoholic, old making mick jizzum.

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

It's the fuckin idiot barry bonds.

Although my heart goes to shoelace joe. Even though his career was cut short bc of the black sox scandal, his numbers were siiick. And his stats in that last world series were serious too. It's tragic

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

Getting there first. Haha

And then every moment after

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

I wanna eat for free this year!!!

But seeing you for a summer hang would be even better.

Commish Take:

Well last year we had a hammered Mick, thanks for the Italians this year for taking the smashed draft prize as I think Jay may have slept through a few rounds with his head on a table while Fatone translated a few picks from his fog and his team arrived before a late draft speech, so how did they end up? (EDITORS NOTE: You guys read Vig's answers? Shoelace Joe...Classic) Oof, a bit rough. Hard to argue with the stars, when Jay started he was on point. For bats he snagged the blue eyed beauty Bryant, old stand by Cano, and the cheater Braun. All fine and dandy, but Greg Bird in the 8th? Aaron Judge at all? Yanks are fine and elitist cunts but rolling with two rookies is risky. I hope Bruce turns it around, but how likely is he to? Same for Tulo and can Davis repeat out in Oaktown, I’m not betting on it Moving to the arms I like them a bit more, Arrieta and Verlander are a great one-two but not much after that. Where Jay will succeed should be the Pen as he drafted a bunch of closers and good MR’s. Will Vig keep his head off the table all season and make the moves needed to contend?

Commish Prediction: Bottom Third. Nah, he will fall asleep again. He’s used to the basement...is it the managers or the players fault… Things that make you go Hmmmmmm.

Mike:

1)How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a Jeffe Breakfast Bagel Scale where 1 is a plain and 10 is an everything, I’d give myself an onion with veggie cream cheese.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked for ADAM DUVALL! 30 and a 100! Mark it down, Dude. (was a little stoked when I picked him and then when The Commish crapped all over him I got MORE stoked.)

Should have changed a bunch towards the end when I was wasted.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

It’s even, guys. Like it’s crazy even. I think we’ve all been doing this for quite a while now. We are the best.

4) In 2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

I know the answer to this one! MAKING BABIES! That don’t look like her or her husband.

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

“Since Uncle Bert Blyleven’s induction in 2011, we at Ocean’s Blyleven feel vindicated and find The Hall to be the epitome of fairness and good judgement-ism.”

It’s Clemens and Bonds, equally. They gotta be in there. Steroids or no. And Gallagher solved all this a while ago – it’s a plaque. “This was the Steroid Era in baseball, where performance enhancing drugs were rampant and had a deep effect on all aspects of the game.” And let people make their own decisions on what is and isn’t valid. It’s easy.

It’s like the whole male, female, transgender, which gender am I bathroom issue in schools. It’s an easy fix. If anyone has been to The Whaler in Venice, they solved it.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

Falling through a table whilst hugging Jay Vigliucci.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Anything I have to say, I say in impromptu last round speeches on Draft Day.

Commish Take:

Ahh the man with no plan...or was there a plan? Or was there a plan that shifted to a different plan round to round?! Mike’s draft was honestly a mystery to me. It seemed to be going one way, then another, then right off a cliff. On the lumber side of the equation he went heavy bats for the first four rounds. I’m in on 2 of four as I like the Rock/Stanton and LOVE Lindor, but I am still not sold on Betts as that high of a pick and not sure Dozier does it...or much of anything actually. For those high picks I would want more sure things...deep bats all seem to be the same sort of player, Moreland, Joseph, Duvall, Tomas, Holliday. We looking 20, 265, 90 at a max from these guys? That's if everything works swimmingly...I see more of a gasping for breath. Mike always drafts a good staff, but this year he focused more on closers. Chapman Britton, Herrara...We get it, you got saves sealed, jeez...wait he drafted Bush and Vizcaino as well...man Mike looking to lock them up, well the way Bush was locked up. For starters, more of a small prison cell for Mike, Martinez throws fucking hard, but how hard will Harvey throw?!? (Christ for real baseball, I hope he’s back). Maeda and Devenski (Who I’ve never heard of after 59 Mock drafts) better come through.

Commish Prediction: Bottom Third Mike is going to be making moves with Puffy this year in order to contend. media type="youtube" key="Y7oqzZQGUa8" width="560" height="315" Bull: Whatever number it looked like our bartender aged since we were last at LIC Bar.
 * 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?    Jose Bautista…..was desperate for a bat after going Pitch Pitch. Maybe David Dahl…might have gotten sucked into how boner(ed) up Moon’s magazine was for him.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with? Don Fatone’s…..his app told me that it’s the one I should be most impressed with.

4) In  2014 we had a question <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"> regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">She had a baby….we talked about it.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Mike Trout

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Assuming you meant non current players:

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Pete Rose

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Assuming you mean guys eligible not named Bonds and Clemens:

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">FRED MCGRIFF

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I’d say the unforeseen Eben Carle/Melania Trump moment of plagiarizing Jay Vig’s/Michelle Obama impromptu closing draft speech.

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">or

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">The 4 moments of big ass man-meat collapsing over the furniture and falling on the floor

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">or

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">The LOX

<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">7) Anything To Say to your competitors? <span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bull’s lights out when he goes Pitch Pitch Bitches! $5 || Commish Take:

The Man the Myth the Ballerina...the clearly racist drafter, it’s Bull. All white players, All the time (don’t tell him Schoop is black, he plays for the Netherlands right?) for the Rochesterian, Snow apparently got in his brain. media type="youtube" key="B0yGvypBwyA" width="560" height="315" (Ahh Bull's Favorite Reggae artist) For the offense Dennis waited and jumped on the Double F Train, Freeman and Fraizer. The Italian gangster Joey Bats can pop but is Bregman ready? Dahl was hurt at the draft and I am not sure Tim Anderson, Buxton or Kepler are ready to bust out. He is going to need one of those guys to really come into his own to contend. I like the late McCann pick and he will fit into Bull’s racist clubhouse perfectly… Arms is where Bull is looking to win this year as he drafted three ace starters in his first five picks. Can’t argue with the first two Sale and Kershaw are the bee’s pajamas but do you really need Lester as well? Wouldn’t this team look more well rounded with Trumbo, CaGonZo or Pollock instead...and two of them are white! In the pen Bull is as good as anyone (except Ryniec) and when it comes to saves will be mid pack...hmm pack pack where have I heard that recently?

Commish Prediction: Middle Third, MAKE BASEBALL WHITE AGAIN right Bull?

BK: 1) Rate your draft

On a scale of Tacate vs. High Life: Steady. Felt good. Got me drunk. But, not the Champagne of Drafts.

2) One pick you were stoked about?    Yu Darvish.  One you should have changed?  The deserved derision of Desmond (may be good, but had to bow with supplicant weight to the announced "you made a bad pick").

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Crazy parity!

4) In <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #1155cc; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline;">2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

Supernatural characters offered her happiness and peace at the price of shrinking dehydration. She said, "yes."

5) Best player not in the Hall of Fame?

As per my too heated argument with Tom at the Treehouse, there's already too many not deserving inside. Basic, non-subjective, answer: Barry Bonds.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

The Christmas-morning-like-anticipation-sunlight-awkward-who-will-go-where?- cigarette-lists-table-how's-it-all-going-with-you?-start-of-the-gathering.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Much love.

Commish Take:

So nervous he has rubbed the hair off his head and neck, maybe even a complete ulcer hole in his side/stomach, but the champ is always happy for Christmas Morning when it comes to Rockem. Now did those nerves help him? Make him fuck up the draft or was he zoned in like a meth head? Wow this offense run is impressive, Altuve, Votto, Xander, Beltre, Lamb, Desmond, Bradley Jr. These are a great mix of solid, upside, potential and injury worries...sorry Ian. Well rounded is what it looks like BK was going for and that is what he got. Late flyers like Beltran Marte and Schrimpf continue the all around ideas, but he may be lacking in speed if Altuve the Mighty Mouse decides not to save the day. The arms are a bit different, lots of lottery tickets and few sure things. Yu, Archer, Cole and Duffy all can really be aces on their respective teams and for the Highpockets, but injuries, lack of wins, and inconsistency can also cause havoc here. Those worries clearly stated...not gonna lie, I love this staff, think BK rolled the dice and will like the results. Like most teams the Pen has two good closers and with Giles I think one of the up and coming best in the game.

Commish Prediction: Top Third- Where else would the champ be?

Tom-

1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">On a scale of 1 to 10, I rate my draft meh. Starting pitching is going to be an issue unless I get very luck and Gsellman becomes a Gsolden Gsoose. But I should steal every fucking base this year.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Stoked to get Harper in the 6 hole. I think he has as good of a chance to be ranked number 1 at the end of the year than anyone. I hate him. Hate him.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I should have changed any of the picks that led me to having Drew Smyly as my 4th starter.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Very tough call this year. Some are bat-heavy, some are pitch-heavy (I'm outraged by Bull's pitching), and some are hot piles of garbage. The Blylevens could make some noise if Matt Harvey can rebound and if we ever find out who Chris Devenski is.

4) In <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #1155cc; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline;">2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">We know that she hosted a party for 50 5 year-olds. On draft day she upgraded to 12 12 year-olds.

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I won't include anyone still on the ballot or not yet eligible so it's Gil Hodges. It's Gil Hodges! Ignore all that bullshit Eben writes about Don Mattingly. Sorry, Walt Whitman, but Gild Hodges had seven consecutive seasons of 20+Hrs and 100+RBI compared to just five TOTAL for Donnie Sideburns. Hodges had only 27 more career at bats than Mattingly but 148 more home runs and 175 more RBI at the same power position. If you like new-fangled metrics, Gild Hodges had a career WAR of 45.0 compared to Mattingly's 42.2. And shove those gold gloves up your ass. He wasn't even the best fielding first baseman in his city!

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">What was the question? Eh, who cares. Me and BK will read each other's answers and almost get into a fist fight anyway.

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">One thing is very clear, though. I should really get back to work.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I loved it all except when I had to keep filling out the drunkards' draft sheets. I did especially enjoy the calm before the storm Bloody Mary with the Champ and the "Champ" (you decide who got the quotation marks)

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Eat shit, dickbags! I'm taking it home this year! <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And you guys are the best, the league is the best, much love, etc, etc.......seriously, eat shit.

Commish Take:

What happened?!?! Tom decided to steal my thunder and get all sexy on draft day?!?! Where is his Thome, His Dunn? His boring safe pics...actually they are on my team, did we pull a Freaky Friday...I always liked Vice Versa Better... media type="youtube" key="nR_WJ-SjctM" width="560" height="315" Judge Reinhold, super underrated actor, cause he can’t even be rated. <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 0px; overflow: hidden; vertical-align: baseline;"> The bats...woo the bats, making me tingle with Bryce, Seager and Yelich. Those three could all contend for the NL MVP award and are sweet grabs. Davis (Balt) should provided pop as always with no Average but lots of Addrell (was that what he was hooked on?), lots of speed (not the Adderall kind) with Hamilton and Dyson (maybe too much) and I like the late grab of Thames. Not all of these are sure things, Yelich and Seager could regress, and Dyson and Hamilton could be part time players by July...but it is tantalizing.

On the arms half of the equation that is fantasy baseball Tom paired DeGrom and Straus, I love one and not the other in fantasy (guess which), and while Salazar may be a solid three that fourth starter spot looks empty...and with the top two pitchers coming off injuries, his staff could get messy quick (Ewww). Closers, like everyone else’s team (except Mike’s), is fine and could be great or struggling. Hmm what becomes of Sexy Teams lately….

Commish Prediction: Middle Third- unfortunately they usually are pretty middle of the road as there is just too much randomness in the game.

Jeff: !.) on a scale of hotdogs, it’s a corn dog, but more like a microwaved mini corn dog, left out overnight

2.) Loved the Goldy/Correa 1-2 combo. On the pitching front, I was pretty happy about the amount of pitching depth this year (go figure), and I thought I was getting bargain prices for Hendricks, Carrasco, and Porcello. And there may be a valid reason for that...

3.) BK - not even looking

4.) At least they stopped playing those back to back to back awful recycling ads during Mets games, but I’m pretty sure she’s the target audience for the new heroin addiction ads by the state of NJ we are currently being subjected to on SNY. “Stephanie got hurt on the job (deadlifting kegs with her jaw muscles). Her doctor prescribed her painkillers, and by the time they ran out, she was addicted. It happened so fast. She ended up on the streets, where the drugs are cheaper, and easier to get. She was a full blown heroin addict, selling her soul to get high. When she realized she needed help, she didn’t know where to go. But she got help, and you can too. You’re not alone. help is within reach. Just call that fat fuck Chris Christie at 1-844-NJ REACH AROUND. He’s got plenty of free time and he wants to help, for donuts or blow jobs, or both.

5.) Pete Rose / Barry Bonds

6a.) repeat episode of Bull eating lox like the spaghetti scene from lady and the tramp, gets me every time

6b.) end of draft appreciation speeches, should be a new tradition

6c.) Tom’s aggravation with the length of the draft. Where exactly does Tom have to be?

7.) best of luck gentlemen

Commish Take:

Most of Rockem decided to head to the No Redeeming & Fishbone show the night before the draft. Jagerbombs flowed and many late night laughs were had. Jeff felt that he had to save money, so he stayed in. Arriving stone cold sober is an interesting choice from Jeffe, lets see how did, will he be having a party at ground zero in 2017 with his first title? media type="youtube" key="vrONIb9gQ-k" width="560" height="315" One thing you know is Jeff will never skimp on big bats or Lox, bringing both early to the LIC bar. Goldschmidt, Correra, Marte, Trumbo and Turner will bring the thunder and some speed mixed in there, but when looking at Jeffe’s team it seems like a tale of two drafts, loaded on the upper half and lacking late. Conforto, Panik Ramos Bour even Duda is pretty wishful thinking in the 18th.

Arms kinda succumbed to the same top heaviness and not in a Stacey Poole Joey Fisher way.... With all those big sticks banging up in there the arms would need a stroking work out...wait, now this just reads like bad porn. Hendricks and Carrasco are fine as just under aces, but it was the 11th round Porcello pick that could be a steal. With Familia starting suspended for who knows how long (EDITOR'S NOTE: Jeff lucked out, only 15 games) and no other opening day closer Zeddemore will be very active on the Vulture wire, which really is nothing new. Will Jeff break the curse and win in his marriage year?!? Didn’t help him the first time around… Commish Prediction: Middle Third- Heavy on Sticks, Stick Arms for Arms, there is a workout joke here somewhere…

McNally- 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

Not as drunk as last year.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Really happy that I got Syndergaard! Who the hell is Chris Owings?

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

I liked my own team in the first few rounds... but I think I like Big Bull's team overall.

4) In <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

She's been in hiding from Jay Vig's grizzly hog...

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

The Crime Dog... or Tony Rendon of Staten Island.

6) (LEAST) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

Jeff Winston flipping my chair and tackling me. I'm old, out of shape and was in pain for a week.

7) Anything to say to your competitors?

I was a believer but the "getting married and winning the league in the same year" thing isn't real. Sorry, Jeff...

Commish Take: Last years draft was a laugher for Don, here’s what I wrote:

"Well we have all been drunk and silly at the draft, but I think Donny may have taken it to a new level for this one. Jameson is his friend for sure, but I am not sure his team should be sponsored by it, like Tangled Upton Blue is this year. He drafted Xander Bogarts about 4 times to play all infield positions and I am not sure who else."

Of course Don lead for most of the year and came an eyelash away from eating for free. A huge turnaround for D Mac from Key West to The Palm...hmm that doesn’t sound so far after all…. This year Donny went head and then heart, Machado and Thor. Well, Thor was pretty smart there too, he anchors the staff so let's look at them first. Syndergaard is a rock and will be contending for World Series MVP (Jobu willing) but he waited awfully long to draft another starter with McCullers Urias Matz and Wainwright rounding out his staff...actually when it was all said and done they be pretty solid with some upside yo! SHOCKINGLY McNally drafted a bullpen…. in a year when that was tough to do. Don eeked out of the draft with Osuna and K-Rod, so he is pretty much in the same boat as everyone else this year.

The bats behind M&M from Baltimore mix old reliable with up and coming. Cruz Hanley Upton Belt JT, you pretty much know what you are getting but Springer Rendon DJ Miller could pay big dividends, much higher than their draft slots. It isn’t a sure thing but Donny has set himself up nicely this year….

Commish Prediction: Top Third- I think Don has started a new trend for his team...contending.

Moon: 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On the cheap beer scale I rate my draft a Coors Light. Crushing half a six pack of Rockies in 6 rounds (although I think I drank more in real baseball draft time). Took me 12 rounds to do it last year and all I got with that pick was the batting champ.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked about first two picks could change all the rest, but really second year drafting Joey Gallo with the last pick. This kid has to put it together at some point.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Bull. Pitch Pitch and ended with Semien.

4) In 2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

Deleting dick pics from Vig

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

In a sea of juice heads I go with the gambler, Pete Rose. Him or Fred McGriff, but only if he goes in for his defensive drill video cameo.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

Speeches. Grown men speaking from the heart. Some slight plagiarism, but that was some real shit. Also you were drunk. And that's what makes us great.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Keep drinking, more speeches

Commish Take:

MoonDog Spot missed out on the yet another title by razor thin margins last year, thinner than one after Wafer Thin dinner mint. Gross explosion indeed, But back to better memories, how about that time you and I… wait, no, can’t write about that one….or the time...wait...Damn you are a changed man, for the better I might add. Anywhichwaybutloose, lets just get to the squad before we both get in trouble. Moon decided to go one on one...oh shit do remember this game? []

Anyone else ever have it? That is a good memory we can all take pleasure in...that is if anyone actually had it, like me.

Ok now really onto the team. The back and forth between batter and pitcher picks? Was this a strategy? It led to a really balanced squad. On the bats side All Rockies all the time and hard to argue the results in Coors of Arenado, Story, Car Gon Zo Beans. The downside if their plane crashes into said Rockies, Moon is fucked. Outside of Denver, Moon still looks large with the lumber as Polanco Nunez Healy and possibly the steal of the draft JD Martinez can contribute.

That flip flopping hurt John Kerry, but helped Moon. Max Cueto Fulmer Roark is a solid foursome while Jansen Madsen and Neris give him three opening day closers. While he was apparently drunk and thought he got points for all the homers Gray will give up this year, back in his favorite spot...Coors. Bad Choice for Beer (it’s true Eben) Good Choice for Fantasy Baseball (it’s true..uuhh Eben?)

Commish Prediction: Top Third- Darkside of the Moon is in the race for free eats.

Eben: 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">A McNally...meaning in filling all my water pots and hiding them around the draft sheet, I failed to fill in a closer. If I had chosen a closer, any closer, at any point, other than that melon out in San Francisco...

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">In the New American Dictionary for 2017 it's called "Mooning," or, as defined:

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Mooning: (verb) 1. Psychokinetically anticipating what Eben is about to do and doing it first. 2. Leveraging your place in the draft order to pick Rockies before Eben can call them out. 3. Pre-empitvely doing something just to be a dick. Common usage: "I mooned you while you were in the bathroom, and got Stephanie's phone number." or, "Mr. President, we're pretty sure Canada poses a threat...we better moon them." <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">In other words, my best picks were, respectively, Nolan Arenado, Trevor Story, and Carlos Gonzalez. Mark it down, the Commish as my witness. Only three seconds before shouting those picks out I got mooned. And now Moon is where I belong...in 7th place. I got the other guys. Those were my worst picks. I should rename my team The Ugly Sisters. Because that's what I got. Jay Moon is running around with a bunch of Britney's with baseball bats and I get stuck with Jamie Lynn post-pregnancy. I would also not re-draft Curtis Granderson, who is awful.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Not knowing much about baseball, or where I go to experience it, (i.e. "Hey Wilson, didn't you get that hoodie with me in LA?" "Yeah, that time we went to Dodgers Park." cut to Tom just shooting himself...because, FYI, it turns out some people don't call it Dodgers Park) and so I'm impressed with a lot of teams. I like Birdie's. I think that Vig hatched a secret plan that--like Moulan Rouge--I didn't understand at the time (or now) but seems to be quite successful. But I'll settle on the safe play: Brian's. At this point if you don't think Brian's team is the best, or admit that you don't understand what he's doing, it's the Rockem equivalent of trashing Led Zeppelin. You may not understand the fuss, but sometimes it's better to just shut up and say, "Brilliant. I-could-not-agree-more! It's another BK Broiler!" and light a cigarette.

4) In <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #1155cc; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline;">2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Probably 155, depending upon clothing. We must remember that after the pivotal age of 25, women age three years for every one year a man ages. I have no peer-reviewed journals to back that up, but the slip and slide of time is on steroids during that period, for women, because it's the last waltz with mindless optimism. As Rod Stewart once crooned, "Ever seen a blind man cross the road, tryin to make the other side?/Ever seen a young girl growin old, tryin to make herself a bride?" Yes. And while things normalize for women in their forties, when they find comfort in phase two, disembarking from the optimism of youth and putting some mileage on the standard factory options of being a young woman (men nodding at everything you say, thus you think you are brilliant; necks craning in your wake, so you think you're history's first magnet) is a dastardly experience for women. Makes you glad you don't have what my son inexplicably calls "the vajessica." So basically, while it's been three years for us...it's been nine years for Stephanie.

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Donald Arthur Mattingly

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Hijacking the stereo. I think my favorite part of every Rockem draft comes in the final third of the draft, when everyone is drunk or preoccupied and there is an opening to slip over to the sound system and immediately put on Consolers of the Lonely or, most recently, The Violent Femmes. It is to this league's great credit, and reflective of good manners and morals, that those two albums reside on everyone's iPhone.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

<span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 9.5pt; vertical-align: baseline;">If I were capable of emotions or maintaining a straight face, I would say that I love each and every one of you. This thing we have going is the great constant of our lives, and our gatherings summon a level of anticipation that once belonged exclusively to the sentimental hours of youth...the Christmas Eves and last day of school. So thank you for keeping this unique corner of life's magic alive well beyond its natural shelf life.

Commish Take:

The Neezer came dressed in style (always) and dressed with tons of knowledge...just not that much of it about fantasy baseball… He sure was in good spirits for draft day though, no sad tomato’s at LIC bar this year. One of the main reasons is because there was no pool for Winston to throw his draft prep into. With that he grabbed some MEAT with his early picks and went with completely random strangers late…just like normal...hmm maybe we should chip in to put a pool in LIC bar.

Rizzo leads the bats with his only Rockie, (Moon made sure of that) with Blackmon backing him up. The heart won with that Gary Sanchez pick, while the old habits died hard or where those the only names he knew as Kinsler McCutchen and Jones all joined the squad. PEDerson was an adventurous gamble but late he went to old standbys of Granderson and Zimmerman, media type="youtube" key="NPscMdeX4Uc" width="560" height="315" The staff of the Rhinos hoped to be made of priceless Ivory but in the end it may be more plaster. As in hurt...as in All-Eben’s-Arms-Will-Be-In-Casts-by-July. Tananka is always a pitch away, Felix looked lost this spring and Price is already hurt. Yikes. That said IF (imagine that If is huge) they are healthy he could be onto something oh wait...that’s not much of a bullpen behind Mark Mel-I-Cone.

Commish Prediction: Bottom Third- Just think this league is tight and there is waaay to much injury risk on this squad especially pitching.

Fatone: 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

On a scale of 1 to 16 I would rate my draft up near the top around 14 ish. Not my best but I feel very good about it. I think I rank up there with anyone, better than most, at the positions and outfield with some weakness at the filler positions, same as anyone else there. If my top 4 get going then my offense could be epic. Pitching of course will take some work throughout the year but I can get that done if I put in the time.

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

I was stoked about Pollock in the 5th and his potential to have a big year. There were more instances than usual of my want for certain players only to see the plucked from my grasp the pick before me, two that come to mind were Betances and Kemp. Changed, prob could have done considerably better than Swanson in the 12th.

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Bull's and not necessarily a good impression, 5 pitchers in the first 10 rounds, can that work?

4) In <span style="background-color: #ffffff; color: #1155cc; font-family: Cambria; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline;">2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?

Bartending

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame?

Pete Rose and I think he should be voted in

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

The speeches out of the blue and Vig taking a nap to rally and give a speech

7) Anything To Say to your competitors?

Good luck to you all, hope I win this thing, (this year or at some point). Sorry to bail early Saturday night, blew a big load Friday night and ran out of gas early. Nothing but the Rockem draft was getting me out of bed Saturday morning and it was good AF as usual. Next year in CA...

Commish Take:

The man who invests heavily in Apps to tell him what to draft is up next...Dogzilla!

All those apps can’t be help'n...oh wait maybe they are, as Don has gone from cellar dweller in early years to top of the pops recently but has yet to win the EETS A BOAT yet. Is this the year it sails to Manhattan Beach?!?!

Fatty went all in on Bats...hmm this was old style wasn’t it, no pitchers never? How’d that work out in the past? Well this year he has a huge battery of err..bats. Power and Speed with Donaldson Turner Murphy Yo and sneaky picks like Crawford and Margot. Perhaps light on speed if Turner is not as advertised (not sure he fully is yet) or if Margot ends back up in Triple A (good chance he might) but Donny is never afraid to trade for speed if he needs. On the arm side perhaps the most impressive thing is how long he waited and how well his staff actually turned out. Hamels Teheran Stroman and Moore is pretty facking good...I think Hamels will be a big winner this year (think he and Yu lead the Rangers far) and the others are all proven...well Moore can be an adventure, but San Fran is a nice park for him. In the pen he actually has four closers on opening day with Oh Ramos Iglesias and Reed since Familias suspended (EDITOR'S NOTE: Not as long as it seemed back in March) for a bit. Hot damn is this Donny Ballgames year?!?!

Commish Projection: Top Third- The run of good form from Fatty Continues...but can he actually win one?!?.

SPD: 1) How would you rate your draft (feel free to create your own scale)?

This draft for me is Rated R. Adults only and young'uns only if they snuck in. I did pretty much what I wanted, but I ended up skewing older than I had planned...Miggy, V-Mart, Pujols, Kemp, Longoria...these guys have played more MLB games than Birdie has made “Rainmaker!” cracks. If 2017 is the year all of them get “old” stat-wise, so be it, but that just means I got bad luck as they are nothing if not reliable This draft is far from XXX though, not much sexy to see here, except for me and Puig jerking each other off...

2) One pick you were stoked about, One you should have changed?

Stoked: Keon Broxton...I wanted him in the 4th round, think he is going to be a star (famous last words)

Changed: I am not even joking, I remember 98% of the draft but I completely blacked out my Pat Neshek pick, with good fucking reason. When I saw it the following day I thought it was a joke, no lie. Awful, I should have taken Garrett Richards (EDITOR’S NOTE: Richards =’s 1 Start then DL)

3) Whose team are you most impressed with?

Read the fucking preview! Oh wait you are….

4) In 2014 we had a question regarding our house bartender Stephanie, what has she been up to for the last three years?  We all know Stephanie gave birth this year, after which her supportive Irish husband believed it would be best to get away from the city after childbirth so the family spent the summer at an old secluded house. The room in which she spent most of her time was an old nursery that still had some old safety bars on the windows. It had obviously been well lived in as there was some child like damage to the walls and floor as well as a smooth groove that was molded into it five feet high.

The only disturbing aspect was the yellowing wallpaper that seemed to come off faintly on her clothes as she passed bye. The longer she stared at the papers patterns the more it seemed to move and dance, especially at night. Stephanie confined herself to the room more often, the walls fascinated her, she could have sworn they moved and that decaying yellow smell enveloped her.

When the summer was finally finishing up her husband entered to get her only to find that she had clawed all the wallpaper off and finally freed herself. She would never leave the room, only slowly encircling it with that perfect groove fitting her shoulder expertly...she would only leave and return to form when there were fantasy baseball drafts at LIC Bar for Rockem….

5) Real baseball question alert: who is the best player not in the Hall of Fame? I actually didn’t ask this with the thought of Bonds or Clemens, truthfully I sent out the wrong question.

I wanted to ask who was the best player who fell off the ballot who should have gotten more love...oh well we can have that chat in person...As for this question, Barry Bonds huge head and all, Shoeless Joe Jackson.

6) Favorite moment of Rockem 16 Draft?

So many, “Mark Mel-In-Cone” gave me my deepest laugh, but I loved it all, it is so much fun to still get to hang out with you all; still together after all these years. Thank you for still having as much fun as I do with this league. It means more and more with each passing year.

7) Anything To Say to your competitors? Just kidding, I love you all and those aren’t just words.

Guest Preview: It is with great joy that we welcome Dennis "Bull" Walters to the guest preview chair for the first time, thanks big guy:

Well let’s take a look at what the Commish did from the SNAAAAAAKKKKEEEEEE position besides act like a Kansas City



talking shit and not willing to walk past the lox to step up. That’s right commish “Come over here”!

Let’s see if his draft was any stronger than his Draft Day fortitude.

A resounding Yes………if this was 2011 where he would have walked away with the first 3 overall picks!

This team is certainly not lacking in veteran leadership with three bona fide captains in Miggy, Pujols and Longoria. The offense has potential, as long as all of the old men can stay on the field or stay off the juice (here’s looking at you Dee Gordon). Kemp’s a nice surprise in Atlanta and Texas could be favorable for the NOLA Brokedaddies, Odor could be a steal at the end of the 3 rd round and Mazara has all the potential for a top 25 player.

As usual the commish channeled his inner Jarod Fogle

and reached for the potential of the Glamour Boys: Schwarber, Broxton and Cory Glover’s illegitimate kid. media type="youtube" key="e7FX6sAL0Zw" width="560" height="315" The staff anchored by Madison Bumgarner looked middle of the road pre-Excitebike accident. If Greinke figures out how to pitch with diminished stuff, he could be a great value at 108 overall. Ray, Hudson, Walker sound more a Ghostbusters spin off than a pitching staff….can they pull it together? My thoughts….unlikely and the commish will be hitting the trade market by June looking for an arm.

Gold was struck with Greg Holland in the 23 rd ……walking out of the draft I wouldn’t have thought it, but Robertson, Feliz and Holland could be the best stable of closers in all of the Rockem Sockem.

In conclusion, this team doesn’t quite give me the hard on Shawn had when he snagged Puig in the 22 nd Round. I think this is a somewhat unbalanced team and see it averaging right in the middle in most categories.

My prediction: Middle Third

Commish Prediction: Middle Third. Think a boring solid squad that stays mid pack, I agree with Bull.

Yahoo Predictions:

So if you tried to make a trade at the beginning of the season, and you clicked evaluate, Yahoo would give you all the projected stats for all of the teams (minus the guys you were trading). I projected a trade of Robbie Ray from Me To Michael Pineda for Eben (closest I could think of) and it projected these overall standings.

I did some math (so it might not be 100% perfect) but needless to say we were tight as funk and there were lots of ties...I think I broke them correctly, but who knows. I added it all up and mapped it all out and these were the standings Yahoo projects after 162 games in Rockem 2017: We can see how close Yahoo got it when the season ends...or will I be closer……I nailed last years...
 * The Thickening || 102.5  ||
 * Ephedraheartstoppers || 100  ||
 * Dogzilla || 89  ||
 * The Spearmint Rhinos || 87.5  ||
 * MotteKetelBlackmon || 84.5  ||
 * Honey Nut Ichiros || 83  ||
 * Tangled Upton Blue || 76.5  ||
 * C-town Highpockets || 75  ||
 * Bone Droppers || 67  ||
 * ASongOfPrice&Fiers || 61.5  ||
 * Oceans Blyleven || 57  ||
 * When Stubbs Cry || 52.5  ||

Overall Standings: Here’s where I say the patented sentences and I seriously mean them (Except that we all know BK will probably win again): The league is waaaay too tight, injuries and breakout seasons are what will decide this year’s champ. It will come down to the final days like always and something weird will probably decide the title and who eats for free. I seriously believe anyone can win this thing…and the great thing is? Someone will.

So here are the overall predictions:

12. Mike

11. Vig

10. Eben

9. Birdie

7. Tom & SpD

6. Jeff

5. Bull

4. McNally

3. Fatty

2. BK

1. Moon